Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey (part 25)

This is it, friends. The second-to-last chapter. I would have posted sooner, but I’ve had other matters to attend to over the past couple days. You can expect the last chapter shortly, and then we’ll finally be done with this pile of shit.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Twenty-Five

Ana says goodbye to her mother at the airport. Her mom gives her some generic “follow your heart” advice, because that’s why she’s even in the story, and then Ana boards the plane (first-class again, no doubt courtesy of Grey) and thinks sad thoughts about Christian’s childhood. She wonders if Christian is even capable of loving her back.

This is one of those moments where it’s hard to discern author intention. Yeah, I think it’s pretty clear that Christian does not love Ana, but I think the author probably intended it to read as him loving her.

Ana tries emailing Christian but he’s busy and so his responses are clipped. I think this is supposed to count as dramatic tension, but it really doesn’t.

Taylor picks her up from the airport and drives her to Christian’s place. Christian is on the phone, but hangs up when Ana enters the room. Immediately, they start kissing and then Christian tells her to shower with him. I guess he couldn’t wait until the shower to have sex with her, though, because as soon as they get in the bathroom he gives her oral and then fucks her. Okay.

I swear, despite how much time Ana spends pondering his motives, Christian isn’t all that complicated an animal. He wants sex and control, and… that’s about it.

Ana tells Christian she got the job at SIP (the publishing house). She also tells him that next Thursday is the opening of José’s photography show, and she’d like him to come with her. He agrees, and then they have sex again, but mercifully there’s a fade-to-black this time.

Later, after they finish eating, Ana asks about the “situation” again, and Christian says it’s out of hand, but that she shouldn’t worry. He tells her to meet him in the playroom in fifteen minutes. Great, more sex. Just what this chapter needed.

When Ana sees Christian enter the room, barefoot and dressed only in a pair of blue jeans, she freaks out over how sexy his feet are. Granted, she’s in a kneeling position which means his feet are probably at her eye level, but nonetheless — foot fetish much, author?

They go over safewords, which scares Ana because she wonders what they’ll be doing that would require safewords. But, like, isn’t it just a good policy to use safewords even if what you’re doing isn’t dangerous?

Christian explains to Ana that he’s going to tie her to the bed, blindfold her, and put headphones on her so that she can only hear the music he plays for her. Ana’s first thought is “I hope it’s not rap”, which actually made me laugh pretty hard.

Also, this:

Oh boy, I think my heart is going to leave my chest, and I’m melting from the inside out, desire coursing through me. Could I be any more excited?

I don’t think I’ve ever read a more sarcastic-sounding paragraph.

He blindfolds her, cuffs her to the bed, and puts some sort of Latin choir music on. I don’t even know. Then he… touches her with fur? And hits her lightly with a flogger? Then gives her oral for about 2 seconds before realizing she’s about to come and just fucking her instead? Okay, whatever.

The description picks up slightly in quality when Ana’s blindfolded because the author can’t describe how sexy Christian looks and has to concentrate on other senses, but, on the other hand, she seems to think sensory deprivation makes one think with lots of ellipses, so it’s a mixed bag.

Once the sex is over, they cuddle and Ana asks Christian again what she was talking about in her sleep. He gives her a vague, evasive answer, and, again, it’s so so obvious that what Ana actually said was “I love you,” but I’m not sure if that was supposed to be obvious or not.

Holy Cow! Alert: 

  • Holy cow. What is he going to do?
  • Holy cow, I cannot move my arms.
  • Holy cow, a celestial choir  – singing acapella in my head, an ancient, ancient hymnal.

Plus, two “Holy shit!”s, one “Holy crap!”, three “Holy fuck!”s.

And Now, A Word From Ana’s Subconscious Alert:

  • [Ana thinks about all the stuff Christian’s bought for her] Ho! My subconscious has her snarky face on.

Does “Inner Goddess” Mean What I Think It Means? Alert:

  • [Christian’s expression shifts when he sees Ana] From tension to relief to something else: a look that calls directly to my inner goddess, a look of sensual carnality, gray eyes blazing.
  • [Ana is nervous before starting a scene with Christian] Closing my eyes, I try to calm myself down, to connect with my inner sub. She’s there somewhere, hiding behind my inner goddess.

That’s Too Many Inner Voices For One Sentence Alert:

  • [Ana is nervous about what mood Christian might be in] My inner goddess is hopeful for one type of mood, my subconscious, like me, is fraught with nerves.
  • [Christian enters the playroom] Jeez, he looks so freaking hot. My subconscious is frantically fanning herself, and my inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm. She’s so ready.

Oh My! Alert: Four times.

Thoughts So Far:

I’m legitimately at a loss for words. I don’t know what more can be said in response to this terrible, terrible, terrible piece of writing. I’m having second thoughts about even reading the sequel, let alone reviewing it.

Next chapter

17 Responses to “Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey (part 25)”

  1. MsLeading Says:

    Christ, the author’s complete lack of knowledge of BDSM is incredibly frustrating. Cause I am 90% sure that that whole ‘wondering why they’d need a safeword’ thing wasn’t just coming from Ana. A safeword is always necessary, even if it’s something simple (which the scene after that was, simple and kind of…Unusual), because there could be a number of reasons one might need to use a safeword. I’ve rarely ever had to use one, but in the past, one time I ended up very emotionally distressed and so I used my safeword, but it was nothing my dom did (she was actually being very sweet, even), and we weren’t doing anything “extreme”, it just came down to my own emotions at the time. I would go on, but I’m really tired and, overall, annoyed by this entire book. I’m just glad it’s so close to being over.

    • Oh, yeah, the author clearly doesn’t know shit about BDSM, and it appears she doesn’t understand how consent works either.

      I think E.L. James is under the impression that you only need a safeword if you’re doing something potentially dangerous, and not, you know, as a standard operating procedure. There are, as you said, more reasons why someone might need to stop the scene than just “I’m in too much pain”, or whatever the author thinks safewords are for.

  2. You’re almost done!! Major props for finishing this book. It takes strength to slog through something this fucking terrible AND write a detailed review for each and every chapter. D:

  3. Idrislady Says:

    This does not sound like a second-to-last chapter. I’ve read a lot if them in my time, and it’s generally obviously that there’s a buildup to a conclusion, or the conclusion itself. This has neither.

  4. “I’m having second thoughts about even reading the sequel, let alone reviewing it.”

    Trust me, Skep, it’s not worth it to put yourself through reviewing something you’re not up for. For the sake of your sanity, I’d advise against it, my friend…

  5. dragonkeeper19600 Says:

    Sorry, I snickered when I read about Ana’s inner goddess being “so ready,” because I immediately imagined LSP from Adventure Time.

    “I’m ready for you now, Brad. Isn’t it obvie? I’m so ready.”

    Not exactly the most erotic image.

  6. Wait, last night I had a horrible revelation: if Ana was on her period like two chapters ago… And Christian have her oral here… Is it possible he did it while she was still…?

    GAK! >_<

    …I'm going to bleach my brain in the corner and think about what I've over thought…

  7. So… “excited”? IDK. All I know is that it’ll end soon.

  8. Progeny Ex Machina Says:

    Uuggh. I remember why I stopped reading these. Even in the form of summaries, this level of badness is just unstomachable. There’s no humor in it like there is with the fanfics you MST. It’s just. Bad.

    I’m sure we’ll all understand if you don’t review the sequels. Honestly, the thought didn’t even cross my mind. I feel like there’s only so much ome should put onerself through just for an audience.

  9. Insignificant Worm Says:

    Wow. I’ve read more interesting dictionari

  10. Waffle2789 Says:

    Alright, who else thinks this is gonna have the most anticlimatic ending of all time?

    • I dunno. It couldn’t possibly be more anti-climatic than Breaking Dawn…

      • Waffle2789 Says:

        Well, this book originally started out as a Twilight fic known as “Masters of the Universe.” So, maybe it really COULD…there’s been no sense of the author knowing what they were doing for this entire book, so maybe it will be that anti-climatic.

  11. Whole L33t Bread Says:

    Oh dear, I can’t believe this has such a large following as a ‘romance’ novel, when it is literally 93.7% smut!
    Seriosly, everything leads to sex!

    • To be honest, I’m surprised it got billed as being as “steamy”, “dirty”, whatever, as it did. There are a fair number of sex scenes, but no sex at all until nearly halfway through the book. Also, most of the sex is vanilla, and even the stuff that could be considered “kinky” is still very tame.

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