Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey (part 24)
We’re close enough to the end that I can taste it. It tastes disgusting.
Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Twenty-Four
Ana has a dream that Christian is standing in a cage, half-naked and holding a bowl of strawberries. He invites her forward to take a strawberry, but she can’t move towards him. Something is holding her back. Somehow Christian manages to stretch his arm out to reach her. She bites down on the strawberry he’s holding out to her, and the cage disappears.
Christian wakes her up then, interrupting the dream. It’s 5:30 am, and he has a surprise for her. After dressing and eating breakfast, they head out and get into Christian’s rental car. Ana goes through Christian’s iPod and puts on “Toxic” by Britney Spears. Christian tells her that a former sub of his named Leila put the song on his iPod. Ana asks why he broke it off with Leila, and he says that “she wanted more”.
They talk about Christian’s past relationships for a bit. He’s only been in long-term relationships with four women, not including Mrs. Robinson. Out of the four long-term relationships Christian had with subs, three of those subs wanted romantic commitment (one left him for someone else).
He also lets slip that Mrs. R’s first name is Elena. Ana is surprised that “the evil one” has a “foreign-sounding” name. What?
They arrive at the airport. Christian has decided to take Ana gliding. They do that for about a page and a half. It’s not really that interesting. Once they land, Ana tells Christian that it was extraordinary:
“Was it more?” he asks, his voice tinged with hope.
“Much more,” I breathe, and he grins.
That’s your definition of “more”, Ana? This isn’t a romantic gesture, at least not necessarily. I just took it as another example of Christian showing off, especially since he never asked her if she wanted to go gliding and just assumed she’d either want to do it or not back out if he didn’t tell her what was going on until they got there.
They make out a bit but then decide to go to IHOP. On the way there, Christian basically tells Ana (in a roundabout sort of way) that he wants her to be his girlfriend, not just his sub:
Oh my. He’s coming round, and hope surges through me, leaving me breathless.
I thought of several different Dangan Ronpa jokes to make here but I don’t know how many of you would get them. Anyway, Ana, until you find out what he means by “girlfriend” it’s just the same arrangement with different wording. Hold off on the hope, kid.
At the restaurant, they stare at each other and act horny until the poor waitress shows up and gets flustered at the sight of Christian, because Christian has super-exceptional-awesome good looks or something, in case you needed a reminder.
They discuss their relationship. Christian says he’d like Ana to sub for him in the playroom, but other than that it’s up for discussion. He asks her what she wants. She says she wants to sleep in his bed with him. Really? That’s it?
Their food arrives and both of them tuck in. When they’re done, Ana offers to pay, since it’s the one restaurant they’ve gone to where she could afford to cover the bill. Christian’s response is “Are you trying to completely emasculate me?” Jesus christ, asshole, it has nothing to do with your gender. She’s trying to treat you to breakfast. You’re no less of a man if you let her pay for your goddamn pancakes.
Christian drives Ana home to her mother’s house and drops her off. After a brief chat with her mother regarding her time with Christian, Ana shoots Grey an email because we can’t go more than a few paragraphs without talking to Christian, apparently. They have a short, dull conversation in which it’s revealed that Ana talks in her sleep. Fascinating.
While out grocery shopping with her mom, Ana gets a call from the small publishing house she interviewed at, offering her a position as assistant. She tells her mother, who suggests they celebrate with champagne. Fifty Shades is such an awful book even the characters can’t go a chapter without trying to get drunk.
Christian calls and tells Ana that he has to fly back to Seattle because something came up. He sounds angry over something. Ana wonders what’s up, but doesn’t ask.
Later that afternoon, Ana wonders what’s up with the sudden shift in Christian’s attitude — by which she means his suddenly wanting more out of the relationship, not his anger on the phone — and it hits her that maybe his chat with Mrs. R the other night had something to do with it. This makes her angry for some undefined reason. You’d think it might make her think a little better of Mrs. R, because the implication is that Mrs. R helped convince Christian to commit to her, but apparently not.
Before going to bed, Ana emails Christian to ask if he’s arrived safely and if the situation is under control. He says he’s fine, but the situation isn’t resolved yet. They have some silly banter. Ana asks again what she was talking about in her sleep. Christian doesn’t let her know, but from what he says I’m assuming Ana said “I love you” or something along those lines.
Then the chapter ends. Okay.
Holy Cow! Alert:
Holy cow — his erection… we’re in a field.
Additionally, five “Holy shit!”s, one “Holy Moses!”, three “Holy fuck!”s.
And Now, A Word From Ana’s Subconscious Alert:
- [Christian has remembered Ana’s favorite brand of tea] See, he does care, my subconscious mouths at me.
Does “Inner Goddess” Mean What I Think It Means? Alert:
- [Ana puts on a Britney Spears song and Christian turns it down a bit, which for some reason makes Ana very pleased with herself] My inner goddess is standing on the podium awaiting her gold medal. He turned the music down. Victory! [What?]
- [Christian tells Ana he “wants more] He wants it, too! My inner goddess has back flipped off the podium and is doing cartwheels around the stadium.
- [Christian looks at Ana lustfully while they’re in IHOP] Jeez, my inner goddess swoons.
Oh My! Alert: Four times.
Thoughts So Far:
We’re two chapters from the end, might I remind you, and there is no sense that the plot is wrapping up. Nothing is being resolved, there’s no dramatic tension — there’s nothing that would compel a reader to pick up book 2.
I’m running out of things to say in these “thoughts so far” sections. God, this book is so fucking stupid.