Horrible Fanfiction #155: Dibra (part 8), an Invader Zim fanfic

Happy day-after-Christmas, Halfworlders! I had planned on posting some Fifty Shades for you all yesterday, but then I thought, isn’t that a little cruel to subject fans of your blog to on Christmas, Skep? And, yes, indeed, it is a little cruel. You’ll get more Fifty Shades in the very near future, though, I promise you that.

In the meantime — more Dibra! I actually started this review weeks ago, but it took me a while to get through it. Part of that was finals. Part of that was the fact that this chapter is mind-numbingly bad and dull.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

hate your stupid story

why the fuck is Dib emo? Dib is the least emo kid in the whole show! And cutting his wrists? REALLY? God that’s stupid. And the skinny jeans with chains? That’s just retarded.

The author is here quoting one of her reviewers, who reviewed the fic under the name “hate your stupid story”. While their reasons for disliking the fic are pretty superficial, and while I can’t condone their use of the word “retarded” in this context, I, too, hate the author’s stupid story, so we are in agreement there.

Hate your stupid story,

…really? You really had to leave that comment to my story?

Well let me just say this – Fuck You! I don’t care what your bitch ass thinks! This is MY story and I like it just the way it is! 

“And therefore I will ignore any criticism I receive!”

I mean, I actually sympathize with the author here, because the review she got wasn’t constructive criticism and its wording was pretty inflammatory. But still, man, this is the wrong argument to make. Maybe try something like “if you’re going to criticize my story, at least tell me how I might improve it”.

And I don’t have to explain myself to people like you.

Now I am a very reasonable person and I understand that you have freedom of speech, press, and the right to your own opinion, but when you don’t have the balls to stick by what you say, that pisses me off.

What do you mean, they don’t have the balls to stick by what they say? I mean, they could have gone into more detail or laid out an argument for why this fic is shitty or something, but nonetheless — what are you talking about, author?

If you had used your login, I could have pm-ed you and apologized for the fact you don’t like it. 

You know, maybe they don’t have a FF.net account. I mean, I’m on AO3 a fair amount, and I don’t have an account there. Not everyone who reads fanfic is a site member.

Also, author, you don’t have to apologize because someone doesn’t like your story. You should apologize if someone tells you your story offended them, or something, and they have a valid reason to be offended (such as “the way you portrayed Dib’s gender is problematic and makes me, as a trans person, feel that my identity is being dismissed/disrespected” or “the way you trivialize issues such as self-harm is upsetting to me” etc., not “I’m offended by Dib’s outfit” — although, to be fair, I am offended by Dib’s outfit). You don’t need to apologize just because someone disliked your writing.

But you had to be a pussy, so I don’t feel any regret for the fact you don’t like it. I also feel no regret for posting this letter.

That’s great.

And guess what…out of 67 reviews, you are the only one to hate it and say so. That means 2 things.

1. People actually like my story

2. People who don’t, have much better manners than you do

3. Many people on fanfiction dot net are twelve years old and wouldn’t know a good story if it took a shit in their training bras

Did you ever hear the saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” ?

I think you should remember that.

I always thought that was kind of a dumb saying, especially since it’s often used to silence people who are voicing valid criticisms/concerns. It’s not always possible to be “nice” and get your point across.

And here’s another thing, I didn’t make you read this. I didn’t shove your face into your computer or iPod or whatever and make you read this. You chose to click on it, and you chose to read it.

This is also a dumb argument. How are you supposed to know how shitty a story is before you’ve read it? I mean, you can often tell from the summary, but regardless.

If you don’t like it, you could have just hit the back button and forget this story existed. But you had to be a douchbag and leave a nasty comment.

This is where I have to side with the author again. Sorta. I mean, in this case, yes, the reviewer wasn’t really saying anything constructive, and most likely only wrote the review to piss off the author. In general, though, the whole “don’t like, don’t read, don’t review” thing is silly. You can’t know if you like it until you read it, and if you don’t like it and you have something other than “fuck you author your story fucking sucks” to say, you may as well review, eh?

So I’m going to be a bitch and dedicate this new chapter to you, just because you fucking hate my story!

I doubt the reviewer will give a shit, but okay.

So here is to you, I hope you have a nice fucking life, and my friend Karma will be in touch.

Ooh. Karma must be working overtime going after everyone who leaves rude reviews on fanfiction.net.

Sincerely one ticked off author,

Princess-of-Your-Doom95

And with that over, let’s proceed to the chapter itself.

Chapter 7 – Picnic and Chatter (Dedicated to hate your stupid story)

(Zim’s POV)

I drag the she-female out of the cursed school and into the disgusting Earth air. She begins walking over to a table, but Zim has a better idea. I pull on her hand, making Dibra stumble backwards into me. I then wrap an arm around her small waist, pulling her into my body.

“Hey! What are you do-” she protests, but quiets quickly as I lift us up by my spider legs.

She gasps when she’s off the ground and throws her arms around Zim’s neck, hugging herself close to me. I can feel my face go a dark blue as her body warmth mingles with mine.

If the whole chapter is like this I will probably fall asleep. Just warning you.

I start using my PAK legs to scale the side of the school building, making sure to be careful with the human girl clinging to me for dear life.

“P-p-please don’t d-drop m-m-me.” The girl whimpers as we scale the wall.

“Zim won’t drop you.” I say insulted. “My PAK legs can carry up to 5 times my own weight.”

That has nothing to do with whether or not you’ll drop Dib(ra), asshole. I drop stuff all the time and it’s rarely because it’s too heavy for me to carry. Besides, is Dib(ra) even being carried by your PAK legs? Doesn’t (s)he have his/her arms around your neck?

(I don’t even know what pronouns to use for Dib/Dibra/whatever anymore. This kid’s gender identity is a total mess. Up till the last chapter, it seemed like Dib was still mentally a guy, but then we had this whole split personality thing going in the last chapter and… you know what, I’m going to use singular they/them pronouns for now. Might as well go gender-neutral.)

I finally get to the roof, and I hop us over the side and retract my PAK legs.

Dibra still has her arms around Zim’s glorious neck, not even noticing that her feet are on solid ground.

Yep. Their arms were around your neck. Your PAK had nothing to do with it, Zim; you should have been worried about your neck’s load-bearing capacity instead.

“You can let go now.” I tell her softly. Dibra opens her eyes and looks around. Seeing that she is in fact on solid ground now, she quickly lets go of my neck and distances herself an arm’s length away.

I notice that the she-human’s face has gone a deep red-ish color as she looks at the ground.

What the hell? Why is Dib(ra) blushing? What part of “I’ve just been grabbed without consent and dragged onto the roof of my Skool by an alien” makes one blush?

“Shall we commence the eating of the Earth foods now?” I ask as I pull a purple blanket out of my PAK. I shake it out and lay it down on the roof.

No, really, what’s even happening? Zim hates Earth food, and has been known to have severe allergic reactions to the stuff.

Dibra nods and sits down on the blanket, tracing the red Irken insignia with her tiny Earthling hands.

Why? They’ve seen it a billion times before. It’s not like it’s new and unfamiliar to them. In fact, they would probably hate that insignia and all it stands for. Don’t turn this into some cutesy picnic shit, author, for god’s sake.

“I saw this in an Earth movie, is Zim doing it right?” I ask her worriedly, she may already know I’m an alien but I want to impress her with my Earth knowledge.

You watched a movie. Way to go, Zim. Your “Earth knowledge” is incredible.

She looks up at me with her orangey eyes and smiles. “Kinda, in your movie they were probably on a date.” She tells me.

Why? I mean, people go on picnics all the time. Often with family or friends. Why assume “date”? I can’t even think of an example of a romantic picnic. Picnics are one of those things that sound fun in the abstract but involve a lot of ants and possibly sunburn in practice.

“So we are on a date. Zim did this correct yes?” I ask tilting my head.

The she-female’s face goes red again and she frowns. “W-we are n-not on a d-d-date!” she protests.

“Wait…what does “date” mean?” I ask her confused.

“Well, a date is normally something that a guy and girl go on to show others how much they love each other.” She says with an even redder face.

Or, you know, any two people who are romantically involved or considering a romantic relationship with each other. Not necessarily a guy and a girl.

Now that we’re introducing the romance between female!Dib and Zim, I’m keeping my eyes peeled for any queerphobia on the author’s part — after all, she did take a pairing that would otherwise involve two male characters and genderbend one character to make it a straight pairing. It’s possible that she just did that in order to make Dib into a Sue (author insert, maybe?), but I’m still wary of this sort of stuff. Especially given the large number of reviewers on this and other stories of its kind who say stuff like “I don’t normally like ZaDR, but when Dib is a girl it’s cute!”

I reach out a hand and touch the redness that is on her cheek.

“W-what are y-you d-d-doing?” she asks me alarmed.

“Why does the Dibra-human’s face goes a red color? Are you sick?”

She looks confused for a second before laughing, her face losing its redness. “No, I’m not sick!” she laughs, “I was blushing.”

“But Zim doesn’t go a red color when he blushes…not that the ALMIGHTY ZIM blushed!” I scream to the heavens.

Zim ought to be aware that he is an alien and thus his bodily functions differ from humans. In fact, I think he would be quite mortified to find that he did something in the way that a human did. Canon!Zim would likely go on to assert that blushing red is ugly and stupid and the way that Irkens blush (if they did blush, which they of course don’t!) is far superior.

“Please stop that.” Dibra tells me. “You don’t need to scream to someone right next to you.”

“So if the Dibra is far away, then Zim can scream?”

“If you want my attention, sure go ahead. Just don’t shout when I’m near you, it hurts my ears.” She tells me.

I nod my head in understanding. 

Zim is understanding something and might potentially change his behavior?

Did you… did you ever watch the show, author?

The Tallest often said that Zim’s screaming annoyed them.

And when have you ever taken notice of their criticism of you?

Seriously, the Tallest are constantly irritated by Zim and are constantly plotting to get rid of him/kill him, but he never, ever catches on. He’s pretty convinced that they like him, since he is of course their finest Invader. For Zim to realize that the Tallest are critical of him, let alone that they hate him, is way out of character.

Dibra begins digging through her bag and pulls out a small brown bag. “Well we’re up here to eat, so lets eat.” She say smiling at me in that cute way of hers.

Does female!Dib’s smile really look so different from canon!Dib’s smile? Because smiling really isn’t that much of a gendered thing. Sure, their face probably looks pretty different now that they aren’t wearing glasses, their features have been feminized, and their hair is framing their face differently, but the actual expression they make shouldn’t have changed much, if at all. Seems odd to comment on the cute new smile rather than, say, the cute new face.

I pop open my PAK and pull out my lunch. GIR normally makes it for me, its one of the few things that robot doesn’t screw up.

How the hell does Gir manage that?

I open up its containment unit and almost squeal in glee, but I didn’t because Zim is an Invader and not a food drone.

I don’t know if the author intended this as irony or not, but this line is actually really funny seeing as Zim was actually demoted to food service drone after fucking up Operation Impending Doom and never actually regained Invader status, so what he’s saying here is in fact the opposite of the truth.

Something tells me that the author didn’t do that on purpose, though.

“Cool! What is that stuff?” Dibra asks looking at my lunch in amazement.

I spent a while trying to decide what to say to this line, because it’s been a while since I watched any Zim and I couldn’t recall Dib’s exact reactions to alien stuff. Certainly it’s of interest to him, but would he be so open about this fascination in front of Zim? I’m not sure.

“Oh, the pink noodles are Glipshlog. Its like Earth pasta but tastes like what you humans call strawberries.” I tell her pointing to my main dish.

That actually sounds quite disgusting. I mean, I love pasta, and I love strawberries, but I am a firm believer that the two should never be mixed. (Also, strawberry-flavored anything tends not to be very good. It’s hard to artificially replicate that flavor convincingly. Maybe they can do it on Irk, though.)

Dibra scoots closer and points to something else. “Whats that?” she asks.

Zim follows her finger to the green stuff. “That is Candlorp. It is like…” I trail off not knowing how to describe it.

“Like Jell-O?” she asks.

“Yes! Like Jell-O, thanks I didn’t know how to explain it.” I smile at her.

He’s so OOC it hurts my brain.

“So whats that yellow stuff?” she say pointing to my final dish.

“Oh that is a fried Twinkie, Zim is quite fond of your Earth treat.” I tell her taking a bite.

Again: man, the OOC.

Dibra looks at Zim for a second before laughing. “Your lunch is so cool.” She tells me before taking a bite of her sandwich.

“What are you eating?” I ask her. She gives me a confused look. “Zim shared the knowledge of his lunch, now it is your turn.”

“Oh, my lunch isn’t as cool as yours. I just have a PB&J sandwich, a Poop Cola, and some Puppy Chow.” She says holding up a bag of small white things.

Puppy chow? Like… dog food? They’re eating dog food?

“Puppy Chow? You eat food for dogs?” Zim asks the human.

Glad to see Zim and I are on the same page.

She laughs at me. “No, its human food. Gaz makes it for me all the time, its one of the few nice things she does for me.”

The mere idea of Gaz doing any nice things for Dib is so out of character that I feel a bit nauseous.

Zim pokes the bag. “So what is it?” I ask her.

“Umm, I think it has chocolate, powdered sugar, cereal, and maybe peanut butter. I don’t remember the exact ingredients.” She says, and I can tell she is trying to remember.

Why the fuck is that called “puppy chow” and did no one involved realize that that sounds like you’re eating actual dog food?

Something gives me the feeling that this is a dish the author is personally familiar with — maybe a parent or friend makes this for her, maybe she makes it for herself or a sibling, something like that.

“Do you think Zim may try some?” I ask her.

Dibra smiles at me. “That depends, can I try something of your lunch?”

Wasn’t this kid emo at the beginning of the story, and now they’re suddenly smiling and requesting to eat space food?

PAK, can you do a scan and see if Zim’s lunch is safe for humans? I mentally ask my PAK.

Scanning….the Candlorp is safe for human consumption. But if she eats the Glipshlog, she will die after 5 minutes of consumption due to heart failure. My PAK tells me, I’m glad I asked for a scan. I don’t want Dibra to die…her sister might beat Zim to a pulp!

Worth it to get rid of this OOC, Sue-esque abomination.

“You can have some Candlorp, but not the Glipshlog.” I tell her, scooping up the Jell-O like substance with a spoon.

Dibra reaches to take the spoon but I shake my head at her. “Open your human mouth, Zim shall feed it to you.” I tell her.

Dibra blushes but does as Zim commands. She closes her mouth around the spoon for a second before Zim pulls it out.

Wow, this is fucking dumb.

Zim watches in hope that my PAK was correct when saying she could eat this stuff. Truth be told is Zim doesn’t know what is safe for humans, just like how I don’t know very much on what is safe for me to eat.

Dibra swallows and her eyes widen. “That was delicious, it tasted like…it tasted like green apple Sour Punch Straws!” she exclaims.

I am suspicious of the idea that any Earth food in the Invader Zim universe qualifies as “delicious”.

“Ah yes, Zim has tried those. They are very good.” I tell her.

Dibra takes her Dog Food and opens up the bag. “Would you like to try some now? Fair is fair.”

Cautiously I put my hand into the bag and pull a handful out. I take a small circle piece and put it in my mouth. I await a burning sensation, but nothing happens.

It is safe to eat moron, no meat or liquids detected. My PAK tells me.

Oh, after he puts it in his mouth his PAK tells him it’s safe. Who’s the real moron here?

I chew the circle and…Oh My Tallests! This stuff is really good. I eat a couple more and Dibra laughs.

“Like it?” she asks.

“Zim loves it! Very delicious, but I don’t like the white sugary stuff left on Zim’s gloves.” I tell her showing my gloves that now have white streaks.

“Yeah, I hate that too. It comes off when you wash your hands though…or in your case, your gloves.” She says.

This is the stupidest goddamn scene. I didn’t have any desire beforehand to read about Zim and Dib eating lunch together, but even if I did I don’t think this would leave me feeling satisfied.

Just then the bell rings signaling the end of lunch. Dibra sighs unhappily.

“Dang it, and just when I was starting to have fun.” She says gathering up her unopened Poop can and empty sandwich bag. I took her puppy chow and was shoving it in my face.

“We should eat the Earth food together more often.” I tell her as I shove more of the Earth treat in my mouth.

From now on I’m going to pretend that, actually, there is no romantic subplot here and Zim is only hanging out with Dib(ra) so he can eat their food.

She looks at me shocked. It is pretty shocking for Zim to say something like that. She blushes and smiles at me. “I’d like that, I’d like that a lot.”

I wouldn’t. Please no more food-eating scenes. This one sucked.

I am so sorry to those of you who had to suffer through my rant. But people who do that, they really piss me off.

I really liked this chapter, but because of that one person I am to pissed to write anything nice, but I will try to keep my cool.

Man, brush it off. I’m serious. You got one comment that was critical (without being constructed) out of a good number of positive comments. People like your story — god knows why, but they do — and one bad review isn’t something to get hung up on. Focus on all the people complimenting you on the fic.

Invader Cakez – My best friend agrees with you. She really hates ZaDR, but since Dib is a chick she reads it and loves it :)

I can’t find Cakez’s review, but there are several along the lines of hers — “I normally hate ZaDR, but it’s cute if Dib is a girl!” and, wow, that’s disappointingly homophobic. Apparently the only thing these people dislike about ZaDR is the fact that it isn’t a straight pairing.

…actually, never mind, I found Cakez. She’s changed her FF.net username to “LoneTaku”. Her review was “Awwww ZaDr is so much better when one of them is genderbended”. Cakez, I’m disappointed.

Invader Lex – Awesomesauce? That is a rocking word! Can I steal that from you?
And I will totally feed my cow pudding, that sounds like fun :P

Lex’s review is “Awesomesauce! The only errors I saw were that you left the apostrophe out of “it’s” a couple times, but other than that, nothing. I wish I could write that well! By the way, I have the same problem with my sister’s rabid cow a lot, too. Feeding him pudding usually helps. :)”

Oh, you Zim fans and your oh-so-wacky senses of humor.

TheRejectedAngel – Wait are you talking about Zim? I is so confuzzeled O_o

Their review reads “Haha! I didn’t think I would like it… But I tottaly do. Though I hate how he doesn’t like Dib. I think it would be better if he walays felt emotions for Dib but wouldn’t admit it you know?”

Yeah, pretty sure this is about Zim. Who else could it be about, really?

Morri – No person shall be turned into nuggets while I still have unbroken fingers and a computer to type on! Although I think Moo Moo and your chicken should get together for lunch sometime.

Morri’s review: “Still in love with this! Please continue! Or else my mad-cow diseased chicken will turn me into nuggets! *whimpers and hides* .”

You kids and your… your… strange attempts at being humorous via predictably “random” comments…

Ican’tThinkOfAWittyNickname – I warn you now to avoid nightmares (even though nightmares are totally cool), this will be a ZaDR. A genderbended ZaDR, but don’t worry I both refuse and have no clue how to write any naughty scenes. The most we will have is kissing…maybe…I might change my mind and give some things a try…maybe.

They said “Oh dear god, is this going to be a non-yaoi ZaDr? I’ll still read if it is, but please warn me in advance. I still have the NIGHTMARES from last time I wasn’t warned.”

I think the summary was probably enough warning, but, yes, Unwittily Nicknamed One, you should get out while you still can. Don’t be like me.

Well I’m done, I shall continue to post chapters but I need a break to calm down. When I’m angry or upset my writing turns to crap. 

Are you always angry or upset when you write this story, then?

I will try to post a new chapter before next week.

And I will try to post a new MST at some point in the near future.