Horrible Fanfiction #154: Dibra (part 7), an Invader Zim fanfic
I don’t like having to start every post with an apology, but, man, it’s been over a month, and I definitely owe you guys an apology. I promised you more Fifty Shades soon. I did not deliver on that front. Part of it has been tech problems; part of it has been schoolwork; part of it has been Tumblr. I’ve been blogging quite a lot over there — mostly fandom nonsense, liveblogging, and the like — in a considerably less formal manner than I do over here. I am not abandoning THW, however, and I don’t plan to. The problem may be that I’m most motivated to work on stuff pertaining to my current obsessions, and, well, it’s been a long time since I was really into Invader Zim. (And I’ve always hated Fifty Shades.)
I have, in fact, been working on a new MST for you guys to be posted once this one is done, and the final chapters of Fifty Shades are almost ready to be posted as well. There will be new material here, I promise. Again: not abandoning this blog. Again: sorry.
Now, back to Dibra.
Remember how I said I wouldn’t post this chapter until I had chapter 8 written? Well I’m working on chapter 10! And it only took me 2 days! Am I great or what? :3
What what what! I only got 4 reviews for chapter 6? Did I jinx myself when I said I would have around 70 after only 3 updates? Or did you all just abandon me? :’(
Maybe they got fed up with your rambling, overly-long author’s notes.
Thank you to Invader Cakez, kaitamis, SecretlyTTfanTT, and Tear Drops 1221.
Our good friend Invader Cakez! You guys remember her, right? Author of “Grazie, the Beautiful New Girl”? Who could forget dear Invader Cakez?
You four were the only ones who reviewed chapter 6, and for that I thank you with a special gift… As author of this story I bestow upon you…a CHOCOLATE CHIP WAFFLE! (if you are allergic to chocolate, I give you a taco) :P
I’m getting secondhand embarrassment from these author’s notes.
Author – *door bell goes off and author opens her front door* Jhonen Vasquez? ! What are you doing here?
Jhonen – Just wanted to tell you that I am giving you the rights to Invader Zim.
Author – *all excited and jumping up and down* Really? ! ?
Jhonen – NO! Why would I give you the rights? You will NEVER own Invader Zim! !
Author – *knocks Jhonen Vasquez out cold and ties him up, throwing him in her closet. Sees readers staring at her* YOU SAW NOTHING! ! ! !
That was surprisingly violent. Also it increased my secondhand embarrassment tenfold.
If anybody finds any spelling or grammatical errors in the chapters, please tell me! I hate finding errors, it annoys the crap out of me! So please, just review or pm me and tell me where the errors are. I don’t care if the error is a missing period, I want to know about it! ! !
Okay, I understand it can be easy to overlook errors in your own work, but you should probably at least make some effort to proofread yourself before asking your readers to do it for you.
OK I is done talking…for now… enjoy your waffles and read on.
Chapter 6 – Out of Hand
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING THROUGH HIS ALIEN GREEN MIND?
I mean its normal for Zim to scream like that, but normally its at something someone says.
I’ve already caught two errors. Those should both be “it’s”. You did not proofread this.
“Zim! Stop talking to yourself in my class or I will call your parents and tell them to love you less!” Ms. Bitters yells at the alien.
Ooh, borrowing dialogue from canon, real creative.
The bell rings and everybody dashes to escape any further doom, even if it means going to the cafeteria.
I was bent over putting my book in my backpack when I heard someone stop in front of my desk. I look up and see Torque standing over me. I quickly straighten up in my chair and look at him.
“Can I help you?” I ask him.
“Yeah, how about you join me for lunch, one on one?” he asks me, looking smug like I couldn’t refuse.
Ah, Sexist-For-No-Reason Torque Smacky, how I missed ye.
Are we gonna have an attempted sexual assault scene? Because I think it’s a rule that Suefics have to have them, and it’s become increasingly clear to me that this is basically a Suefic, except the author is slowly transforming Dib into more and more of a Mary Sue instead of just making an OC.
I stand up from my desk, picking up my bag. “No thanks.” I say before walking around him. Sadly I don’t get more than a few steps before my elbow is grabbed.
“Did you just turn me down?” Torque asks angrily.
“Umm, yeah. I kinda did, now let me go.” I say trying to take my arm back.
Torque’s grip tightens and I grimace in pain. “Nobody turns me down.” He says quietly and venomously.
The pain is so great that I gasp and almost fall to my knees. “Oww! Let me go!” I whimper as I try to pull his grip off of my poor elbow.
“Let the Earth-female go.” A familiar voice demands angrily.
Of course, yet another cliché. The poor Mary Sue is all defenseless next to the big bad Sexist-For-No-Reason canon character, when all of a sudden Dashing Love Interest Boy steps in and saves the day! Except in this case Dashing Love Interest Boy is a short, homicidal, fairly idiotic green alien.
I turn my head and see Zim a few feet away from us. How long has he been standing there?
“Why should I? Its not like you can do anything.” Torque challenges.
While distracted by Zim, Torque’s grip on my elbow lightened. Using all the force I had within my body, I push my elbow backwards into his gut. He releases my arm to clutch his stomach, which gives me an opportunity to get away.
When Torque straightens, he looks murderous. “Oh, you are going to regret that, princess.” He practically growls at me.
Let me guess how this ends. Dib prepares for a fight so that he can look marginally pluckier than your average damsel-in-distress, but it’s a meaningless gesture anyway because Zim intervenes and kicks Torque’s ass. (Probably using his PAK.) Torque slinks off, wounded and/or scared, and is never mentioned in the fic again except perhaps for a lame subplot where he tries to exact some sort of revenge, probably of a violent and/or sexual nature. Sound about right?
I drop my bag and kick it away, before taking a defensive stance. I am not going to be pushed around by Torque, not in this body. This is my new start, and I’ll be damned if I get beat up on the first day of skool by a boy.
Torque comes barreling at me but before I can move, a green body puts himself between me and the other human. Spider legs come out of his weird backpack and Zim rises above the ground.
Ooh. I’m good. Or, rather, this fic is incredibly predictable.
Zim may not have grown much since he got to Earth, but he towers over my now girly body.
This happens in, like, every Zimfic, and it’s so damn stupid. Zim’s physically adult! He’s been his current height for at least 50 Earth years!
Also, consider this. Zim supposedly hasn’t grown much, yet he somehow towers over Dib’s new, shorter body. (That’s another thing. Why didn’t Dib comment on being shorter before, if it was really that big of a difference? Why is it that big of a difference? Wouldn’t he just be a couple inches shorter?) How tall is Zim? How short is Dib? What the hell is going on in this goddamn mess of a story?
Add that to his spider legs and his “don’t take shit from anyone” attitude, and you would be considered stupid to mess with him.
Luckily for you, just about everyone in the Invader Zim universe is canonically stupid, so…
Torque blanches at the sight of Zim’s PAK legs.
“You will leave the Earth-female alone. Do we understand each other?” Zim threatens.
Torque pales dramatically and passes out.
Okay, I was close. He didn’t slink off, but I got the rest right. I can’t even consider this a victory. This scene was incredibly lame.
Zim lowers himself to the ground and retracts his PAK legs.
“Are you ok?” he asks me.
I pick up my bag and readjust my headband. “Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks.” I say smiling at Zim.
Zim’s face goes blue when I smile at him.
Irkens blushing blue seems to be a bit of a thing in Zimfics. Dunno why. Don’t Irkens have green blood? Wasn’t Zim bleeding in “Lice”? Did I make that up?
“So, d-do you wanna e-eat the Earth food with m-me?” he stutters as he looks at the floor.
“Wait, are you asking me to eat lunch with you?” I ask him, tilting my head to the right.
He nods and I swear his face goes a darker blue. Its kinda funny how nervous he is, if he knew who I really was he would yell something about my head and run away.
You can just see the author struggling to come up with an example of how these characters act in canon, can’t you? Man, I feel like she really didn’t pay much attention, for someone who’s such a Zim fan. She doesn’t have their personalities down at all.
If you get close to Zim, you could keep him from taking over the Earth. My paranormal male self says.
No! I gave that up months ago, now I’m Dibra. And Dibra doesn’t want to be involved with the paranormal. I tell my stupid male self.
Wait. What the actual fuck is going on here?
I know it’s just that stupid narrative device again — it’s the same thing as that chapter where Zim had an internal argument with his PAK. For that matter, it’s the same as Ana’s “subconscious” and “inner goddess”. But all of a sudden Dib’s personality has been split into, apparently, canon!Dib and Dibra!Dib, and Dib’s interest in the paranormal is somehow equated with his having been biologically male, and no seriously what in fuck’s name is going on.
You wouldn’t have to fight him, just be his friend and distract him from taking over the world. No fighting, no paranormal activity involved. My maleness reasons.
YOUR “MALENESS”??? WHAT IS THIS I AM SO CONFUSED
It does have a point.
I’m so fucking confused, seriously. Not only are we using a stupid narrative device again, but I now have absolutely no clue what to make of Dib’s gender identity and I don’t have any idea what’s going on with him mentally and… no, what the fuck.
I could befriend Zim and keep him distracted, I wouldn’t have to fight.
Because girls play passive little mind games instead of fighting, right?
I normally wouldn’t even make that comment, but the author is making female!Dib conform to all these gendered stereotypes and so I feel like this might be yet another example.
“I normally eat lunch with my sister,” I say. Zim’s face immediately falls in disappointment. “but, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind eating alone for one day.” I say kindly with a smile.
Zim brightens up at once. “Perfect!” he shouts. “You shall eat the disgusting Earth food with Zim!”
I giggle, he is pretty cute when he shouts at nothing. Annoying, but cute.
Wait, what am I saying? He’s an alien for crying out loud! I can’t think he’s cute, this must be the work of girl hormones. I think to myself.
Pretty sure girl hormones don’t suddenly make you think aliens are cute, Dib. That sounds like a separate issue to me.
Zim and I exit the classroom, leaving Torque passed out on the floor.
“Why did you stand up for me?” I ask Zim as we walk down the hall.
He tilts his head to the left and looks at me. “Did you wish to remain with the gorilla-bully?” he asks me confused.
“No, no, no!” I say quickly. “It’s just, you never stood up for Dib, so why me?”
“You are nothing like the Dib-smell.
You’ve got that right, Zim.
The Dib was never this cute, and didn’t make Zim feel emotions…I mean…I AM ZIM! I can do what I want!” he shouts into the air.
Also, the Dib was never this Sue-ish, nor as dull and stereotypical a character.
“You think I’m cute?” I ask, truly surprised. I can feel my face go red.
Zim turns a deep shade of blue and I giggle.
God, this is so dumb. Is this what the rest of the fic is going to be like? Blushing, awkwardness, “no I totally don’t think you’re cute or anything”?
“Do not laugh at Zim.” he yells at me.
“I’m sorry, its just…well…you’re so cute when you blush!” I giggle. “And I find it really sweet that you think I’m cute.”
Yes, that appears to be the case.
Do these characters hold any relation to their canon selves anymore? Answer: nope.
We arrive at the cafeteria doors. I really don’t want to go in, what will everyone think of Dibra? Will they all hate me, just like they hated Dib?
You’re nothing like canon!Dib, so I wouldn’t be too worried, kid.
“Light bulb!” I shout. Zim looks at me like I’m crazy, I probably look crazy blurting out a random word.
You probably are crazy if you just screamed “light bulb” for no reason. Also, way to make a good first impression, Dib!
“Hey, do you want to go eat outside? I’d rather not face the masses, and I brought my own lunch so I don’t need to wait in line.” I explain to Zim.
He nods and grabs my hand, pulling me towards the exit and out of the doors.
…is nobody going to explain why Dib shouted “light bulb”? Did the author just think that was a fine example of random humor?
So what did you think? Pretty good, right?
Ah, I hate to break it to you, but…
Should probably mention that I don’t like Torque…I think he makes the perfect bully/rapist.
If you find yourself typing the sentence “I think [character name] makes the perfect bully/rapist”, I think you maybe need to take a good hard look at yourself and consider why you are making a character from a children’s cartoon into a sexual abuser.
And I can say with full honesty he will appear again, mainly because I don’t like him and want him to suffer a horrible doom!
Lame subplot where he tries to exact revenge, right?
I shall never let Jhonen Vasquez out of my closet! Not until he gives me the rights to Invader Zim 3:)
Chapter 7 will be posted either later today or tomorrow morning…possibly around 1am if my dad leaves the computer on. I don’t sleep very well…
Review! I love reviews and so does my rabid moo cow, Moo Moo. And for every review I don’t recieve, Moo Moo is one step closer to turning ME into hamburgers! Please don’t let me be turned into a hamburger!
I don’t taste good when paired with ketchup and mustard!
Hey, nobody said I had to be the one to eat the hamburger.