Horrible Fanfiction #144: Being in Love with a Fictional Man (part 7), a The Lorax fanfic

I’m sorry for the wait, but I’ve got my senior project to finish by mid-April and that’s been kind of eating up my blogging time.

This chapter is long and rage-inducing. Consider yourselves warned.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

Thanks to everyone for the great reviews and the awesome reads.

What?

Does that make sense?

No.

No?

No.

Too bad !

Screw you!

While on Pandora I heard the song “All I wanted” by Paramore and it reminded me of this chapter I suggest listening to it as you read.

I suggest bashing your head repeatedly against a wall as you read. Worked for me!

Oncie’s sweetheart I scare you?

Damn, son! You scared Oncie’s Sweetheart? Rude!

Wow I didn’t know I was scary! *makes face* *girls scream!*

You’re scary all right, but I don’t think it’s for the reasons you think.

Mwahahahahaha you’ve been warned! Ok enough procrastination on with the story.

That wasn’t procrastination, that was just unnecessarily long author’s notes.

Diana’s pov

A few days pass normal enough, relentless intense flirting, Oncie getting hurt on multiple occasions, landing on each other half naked, waking up wrapped around him, and of course me biting my own hand to keep from playing with his hair.

You and I have very different definitions of “normal”.

Let me take this bit-by-bit.

Flirting, okay sure whatever.

Why does Once-ler keep getting hurt?

Why do you guys keep tripping over each other? Are you really that clumsy? Is this just really bad flirting? Why are you always half-naked?

Hasn’t his tent stopped smelling bad by now? Why are you two still sleeping in the same bed?

Is biting your own hand really necessary? Is his hair THAT irresistible?

Last but not least falling deeper and deeper in love with him.

1. No, you’re not.
2. If you really are falling in love with him, don’t just tell us that. Show us that.
3. Even though I don’t want to see that either. At least it would improve the writing quality.
4. You don’t have to fall in love with him, you know. It’s pretty obvious that you’re using the “but we’re totally in love” thing as a justification for all the lusting after him that you’re doing, but if your end goal here is writing fanfiction about you banging the Once-ler then you should have ditched the “romance” part of the story and just written fanfiction about you banging the Once-ler. It’d probably still suck, but at least it’d be honest.
5. Or you could just, y’know, write Oncest like the rest of the fandom.
6. Since that option would eliminate the character of Diana, I think it’s the best option by far. You should do that instead.
7. But don’t write it where successful!Once-ler is totally greedy and evil and pre-success!Once-ler is a spineless little woobie who cries and doesn’t know what sass is. I hate that. That’s stupid.
8. Also, don’t use the term “Greed-ler”.
9. Alternately, you could go watch the cartoon version — assuming you haven’t — and then write 72/12 Oncest instead.
10. But don’t show me it. Your writing still stinks.
11. Anyway, back to the story.

But I was getting tired of Oncie’s skin tight clothes and kicking his butt every time he wanted a rematch, and I really wanted to see this town so I yelled out not for the first time. “Oncie I AM going to town.”

Wait, hold on a sec. Diana won the fight in the last chapter, so why couldn’t she go into town then? You’d think that at least in beating Once-ler in a fight she proved her point that she doesn’t need protection. That aside, no one ever said she couldn’t go into town, just that she couldn’t go into town alone. If she really wants to go, and if the Lorax and the Once-ler really aren’t budging on their stance that she needs accompaniment, then she can just go with one (or both) of them instead. Problem solved.

Besides, what are they going to do to stop her if she decides to go?

Then again like usual the Lorax strides over with Oncie they look at each other and he makes some excuse for me not to go.

They come up with bullshit reasons. Okay. You listened to them why?

Seriously, Diana, this is the one instance in which I’m siding with you, so you’d better make the most of it.

You know what screw them, this time is different and I’m a grown woman! “Diana you can’t go by yourself you can get-” “Yeah I know I could get kidnapped or murdered.” I say annoyed interrupting him.

What annoys me the most is that Once-ler doesn’t even need a bullshit reason for not wanting Diana to go into town. His personal experience with this town involved having tomatoes thrown at him and having his guitar smashed by a little girl when he tried to sell his Thneed. That seems like a pretty good reason for him to warn someone against going there, not this “because you’re an attractive female and might get kidnapped or murdered” rubbish.

His expression changes to surprise and his baby blue’s widen.

Why is he that surprised at being interrupted?

“You’ve already seen I can defend myself.” I snap at him. Maybe if you would just rip off your shirt and make-out with me I wouldn’t be so bored.

Hey, you’re the author. If you want to have him rip off his shirt and make out with you then you could have had that happen six chapters ago instead of including all this pointless nonsense about the two of you “falling in love”.

We could really run around naked all day while doing other things.

That sounds vague and boring.

Ok now I’m blowing things out of proportion, but I really do need to see this town.

Why? What d’ya think is even so great about the town?

“Diana-” He starts and I feel instantly wrong for snapping at him.

You should feel wrong. You’ve been an asshole to him since chapter 2.

“Look Oncie.” I say locking eyes with him before continuing.

Can I point out again that in the movie the only person who calls the Once-ler that is his mom? Can I also point out again that his mom is a horrendous bitch? Can I then ask why this author seems to think calling him by his mother’s pet name for him — which she seems mostly to use when she’s manipulating him, by the way — is a good idea?

“Come with me if you’re that worried.”

Did it really take you guys days to figure this out?

His smile appears on his face rewarding me and I know he likes the idea.

I’m so glad you said that. I would never have guessed that he liked the idea if you just told me that he smiled in response.

I smile back at him. “Besides they will grab your sexy butt first before me.”

That’s a very good point, miss Diana.

I smile at his reaction and laugh along with him. The Lorax fallows him as he walks off.

FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, THAT’S NOT HOW YOU SPELL “FOLLOW”. ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT

“We’ll head out around 11 ok?” He calls to me as I wash some clothes. “Ok that’s fine.” I yell over my shoulder not looking.

I can’t focus sometimes whenever I try I get caught up in him and I warm up quickly and feel overly giddy.

I know that feel, bro.

I can’t stop staring when he’s not looking. Sometimes I can’t sleep or I wake up randomly when he’s not close enough to me, I scoot over into his side and pass it off as “I’m sleeping.” Oncie doesn’t mind though I’ve seen his expression when I scoot over into his arms in the night.

So he’s always coincidentally awake at the same time you are, or he just makes faces in his sleep?

If it’s the latter, I wouldn’t feel too special. He did that to a Bar-ba-loot. A Bar-ba-loot whom he had previously dropped an axe on in an attempt to frame it for cutting down a tree.

He quickly wraps them around me and we’ve learned to expect to be intertwined in the morning.

Yeah, again: he did that to a Bar-ba-loot.

He’s so flawed that he’s perfect.

I’d give you this one except that you don’t seem to understand what any of his flaws are.

I sit and think for a moment in the silence under the sun, feet in the water as the fish nibble them I sound pretty cool.

No, you sound like a pretentious asshat who has no idea what they’re talking about.

I could be a poet, but then that would give away my feelings for him.

You’ve made your feelings pretty damn obvious already, and who says you have to write poetry specifically about the Once-ler?

I laugh as one fish tickles my foot and get up to make breakfast.

Oh, yeah — why are the fish nibbling her feet? Real fish do that. Humming-Fish don’t seem like the type.

The Once-ler’s pov (I’m sorry it’s just so easy to write in her pov because I’m her technically.)

I’m sorry you do not even count as a writer please try harder next time.

I’m screwed. I have to bring her into town in a mere hour, and the angel will see how much of a screw up I really am. I’m tons awesome but I don’t want her to see the people laugh at me.

…oh. Well, credit where credit’s due, that actually makes sense. He could have come up with a less sexist excuse to keep her out of town, but nonetheless. My apologies, author, you didn’t fuck this one up too badly after all.

However, I’m not sure why the Lorax backed the Once-ler up on this one.

Or why the Once-ler keeps calling Diana “the angel”. It’s really fucking annoying and stupid.

Throwing fruit or vegetables? At me. I don’t think they have decided which one a tomato is yet.

It’s a fruit, idiot.

But that’s not really important now, what if she laughs at me and shuns me and leaves. My stomach drops as I think of more and more reasons for her to run away. I sit down on the grass as I put my head in my hands.

Okay, here’s a thought: Get her to help you sell your Thneed. Worst-case scenario, you both end up humiliated instead of just you. Best-case scenario you actually manage to sell the damn thing.

Also, Diana’s watched the movie, so she knows what happens to him when he tries to sell his Thneed. He doesn’t know that she’s seen that, but she should probably tell him at some point.

“Breakfast!” Diana’s voice rings out and the animals run for the house, it smells alright now but I let the animals have the bed and she wants me there.

Alright, so if you two really want to sleep next to each other, then why not do that in Once-ler’s place? It’s bigger, and at least he has an actual bed rather than a sleeping bag.

She must feel something, she has to.

The smell of bacon? Drifts into the air the closer I come to the house.

Hey there, li’l question mark, what’cha doing there? Just hanging out?

I fallow behind the animals as I enter the kitchen. I look over at her crazy corkscrew curls wound so tightly all over her head a few falling in her face, dark eyes that still give me the chills.

HER EYES ARE GREEN. NOT DARK. GREEN. G-R-E-E-N. THE COLOR OF YOUR SUIT WHICH YOU COULD BE WEARING RIGHT NOW IF IT WEREN’T FOR THIS AWFUL SUE.

The image I want to see when I come home every day, except I see little children with black curls and blue and green eyes.

You should probably have that checked out.

Please feel something. I sit down and her smile greets me. “Did you collect enough Truffla?” Diana asks me.

Again, the stuff Once-ler makes his Thneeds out of isn’t called “Truffla”. Again, why is he collecting more of it? In canon he didn’t make any more Thneeds until he’d sold the first one.

I nod and smile back but I want to say I love you instead, and make kids.

And that’s another thing. The Once-ler didn’t actually collect any more Truffula fluff just then. So he’s lying to her right now.

Does he want to “make kids”? Or is he using “make kids” to mean “have sex, whether or not procreation is the end result”?

I have way too many fantasies then what’s healthy around her.

No you don’t, you just have weird-ass fantasies about starting a family with this girl you’ve known for three days or whatever.

She sets a plate in front of me and sits in her backwards chair looking at me expectantly. “What?” I ask with a mouth full of egg. “Are you done? Can we go?”

YOU JUST FUCKING SERVED HIM THE FOOD, MARY SUE. Give him some time to eat it, okay? Sheesh.

She reminds me of a little kid with big eyes and I almost expect a “Please dad are you done?” like I used to ask my father.

That’s… uh, that’s interesting. Are we gonna hear more about the Once-ler’s family? His dad isn’t even in the movie.

But I want her to call me her daddy for other reasons, like being extra talented in –

*facepalm*

No words. No words for this stupidity.

“Oncie?” Diana’s voice breaking my thoughts. “What’s your family like?”

They’re a bunch of hick assholes. You saw the movie, Diana, you should have a pretty good idea.

I gulp at her unexpected question. “There um, there um… different, there not really a family.”

Wow. Wow. Author, you have outdone yourself. You have misunderstood this movie even more spectacularly than I thought you were going to. Congratulations.

A bit of clarification for those of you that haven’t seen the movie (and those that have but aren’t sure what I’m on about): while it’s true Once-ler’s family is pretty nasty to him, he loves them anyway and is blind to a lot of their manipulation. This is actually a major plot point. Right after Once-ler’s first Thneed sells, he immediately calls up his entire family so they can get in on the business. Would he have done that if he didn’t consider them to be a “real family”? They initially try harvesting the Truffula tufts without cutting down the trees, but the Once-ler’s mother convinces him to break his promise to the Lorax and go back to cutting the trees down. Again, if he didn’t love his mama, would he have listened to her? Breaking that promise meant losing the closest thing he had to a friend.

One of the major driving forces behind everything the Once-ler does is the desire to prove himself to his family. The first scene with young!Once-ler begins with his family laughing about how he’ll never amount to anything, and him resolving to prove them wrong. So, yeah, his family sucks. Yeah, he recognizes on some level that they’re mean to him. But he still loves them and wants to win their approval.

She gives me a sad smile. “Did they show them in that movie?” Diana nods solemnly. I don’t like talking about the woman I’m supposed to call my mom if my “dad” didn’t get drunk and sleep with her I wouldn’t be here.

WOW. REREAD EVERYTHING I JUST SAID BUT IN BOLD ITALICS.

My dad used to have semi custody over me before my mom didn’t let him see me. I push the thoughts away. “Are you ok?” she asks. I shake my head no and she hugs me and whispers. “It’s ok I will be your family.”

I AM GOING TO SLAP THE STUPID OUT OF YOU

I wish on everything that she feels something more.

Everything. The Truffula Trees. His guitar. Yesterday’s leftovers. Everything.

Diana’s pov

I release Oncie and get up from my chair and walk out the door. I want him to really feel loved because I care so much about him.

No, really? But that was subtle!

I call over the bears and tell them my plan the birds and fish soon catch on and listen. I have to position them and give them the signal. I order the birds to sing for him to come out while the Lorax orders the fish.

What the hell are you planning and why is the Lorax going along with it

The noise catches Oncie’s attention and he walks out to be greeted by the bears tackling him in a group hug and the birds joining in the fish soon behind I run behind them and fling myself to the middle to him wrapping him in a hug and saying.

“Their your family,

The Lorax is your family

The Tree’s are your family.

But most importantly, I’m your family.”

And then I got mad.
I got terribly mad.
I yelled at the author, “Now listen here, Dad!
All you do is write crap and it’s bad, bad, bad, bad!
Well, I have my rights, ma’am, and I’m telling you
I don’t want to keep reading this pile of poo!”
(If it weren’t for this blog, I would stop reading, too.)

His smile appears and grows bigger as I snuggle closer into him. “I don’t think I need anyone else.” He says smiling down at me.

YES, RANDOM OC, YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL THE CANON CHARACTERS PUT TOGETHER. LET ME JUST TOSS CANON OUT THE WINDOW AND STOMP ON IT.

I feel my shivers of emotion rise.

That’s not even a phrase

I leave Oncie back to his work secretly watching him behind a tree. I’m glad he has a smile plastered on his face the whole time, between staring and running back to the clock, time flies and soon it’s 11.

What work is he even doing? What is there to do? He hasn’t even sold the first Thneed he made, and if he tried to make a second one he’d have to cut down another tree thereby breaking his promise to the Lorax!

“Time to go!” I scream running down and up hills to find him.

Weren’t you watching him the whole time?

He’s busy with knitting ,( how manly) I grab his wrist and pull him along with a good groan.

Excuse me, but as a knitter I’ll have you know that knitting is manly as hell.

“Come on! What are you waiting for everything to close?” I scream in his face giddily.

IT’S ELEVEN FUCKING A.M. NOTHING IS GOING TO CLOSE UNTIL AT LEAST FOUR. EVERYTHING PROBABLY JUST OPENED DEPENDING ON WHETHER OR NOT IT’S A WEEKEND AND JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU SEVEN YEARS OLD SUDDENLY THIS IS NOT HOW ADULTS BEHAVE AND I DOUBT GOING INTO TOWN IS REALLY THAT EXCITING.

Oncie’s face looks like a parent as he buttons up his vest and grabs his fedora.

Why was his vest unbuttoned?

Then it hits me, he doesn’t want to be shunned by the rude town people. I look over at Oncie, yep he’s not as excited as I was. I give him a confident smile and pull him along ignoring my desire filled sparks. I pull him like this all the way there.

So Diana thinks, “oh, I get it, he doesn’t want to go into town because every time he goes there he gets stuff thrown at him, I guess I’d better drag him into town anyway against his wishes!”

Remind me why we’re supposed to like this character?

The Once-ler pov

We arrive at about 12:15 and she looks completely satisfied and curious. Older couples snicker as she pulls me along the streets I imagine we look like newly-weds running around town.

Because newlyweds generally have to drag each other around like parents with reluctant toddlers. On what planet is this normal adult behavior?

An old man yells at me from his yard. “Gorgeous girl you got their son make sure to keep her.”

More like “Hey, lady, would you please let the young man go? It’s a little disturbing and I’m starting to wonder if this is one of those kidnappings I keep hearing about.”

I blush and she laughs at me and continues pulling me along. A few boys wolf whistle at her and coward at my glares, Diana sees this and laughs. Some girls make eyes at me and she yells back at them. “Get your own “6’5″ I laugh at the many hilarious comments she screams at them.

Those are not hilarious comments. Both of you are being creepily possessive. Stop.

“What was that for?” Diana blushes and shrugs and reply’s. “This is our trip.” I laugh at her possessiveness.

EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE BEEN DOING THE SAME THING

Then we cross the dreaded gazebo.

Why? Why not just avoid the gazebo?

I cringe when one of the mean jocks that walk’s by to taunt me regularly notices me and point’s me out.

“one of the mean jocks”

Hey, author? Real life doesn’t generally involve high school social dynamics. Also, in the movie, it wasn’t a few “mean jocks” making fun of the Once-ler, it was pretty much the entire town.

“Hey there’s thneed man!” Diana looks at me confused then understanding spreads on her features.

Took you long enough.

Then that dumb tomato cart pops up, really? Where did it come from? He takes the attention of some by standers and they laugh and grab some tomatoes.

Excuse me, you have to pay for those first. $3.98 if you please.

I stand there not sure what to do anymore, he raises his arm to throw it at me.

Uh… duck?

I cringe getting ready for impact. But it never comes I re-open my eyes and see him frozen in mid-throw, Diana standing in front of me like she’s about to take a bullet for me.

Except she’s about to take a tomato for you, which is less impressive.

He quickly recovers and yells at Diana. “Hey beautiful what are you doing with this guy? He’s tall and everything but wouldn’t you like someone a bit more built?” Her eyes become daggers glaring him down and he falters a little but tries to regain his confidence. “He’s more built then you think jerk.” Diana spats at him her inner demon showing.

Y’know, normally in this situation I would expect the comeback to be something like “At least he’s not an asshole like you”, or something else to the point of “personality is more important than muscles”. Not in this fic, I guess.

Also, “her inner demon showing”? She has an inner one too? And I thought the outer one was bad enough.

“Yeah I have a 4 pack.” I snide as a side comment.

“Snide” isn’t a verb, dumbass.

“Come here.” He’s says whistling at her like she’s a dog. The most dis-respectful thing I’ve heard from a jerk at a girl and most of the girls in this town would bow down and run to him.

I… no, facepalms are too mild for this. You say him whistling at her is incredibly disrespectful — which it is — but then you go on to say that most of the girls in the town would “bow down and run to him” if he whistled at them?

And we’re continuing in the theme of “Diana is soooooo much better than other girls because she can kick ass and doesn’t take shit from anyone!11!!!!1!” Hooray for internalized misogyny!

But Diana’s demon eyes just glare at him, she stomps to him and I think for a moment that she’s going to leave and that thought alone makes me want to cry.

With relief, hopefully.

By now everyone in the park is staring at the scene. “I’m not a DOG.” She snaps in his face.

Yeah, well, glad you cleared that up, because you’ve spent the entire fic acting like a bitch. OH SNAP.

Diana grabbing his built wrist in her hand plucks out the tomato and smears it all over his face! He stands there shocked and red faced literally. He lunges at Diana but she dodges and trips him. He storms off yelling at people like a girl.

HOORAY FOR MORE INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY! HOORAY FOR USING “LIKE A GIRL” AS AN INSULT! HOORAY! IT’S THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY AND WE ARE STILL NOT DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT!

Diana turns back to face me then screams out to the whole park.

“He’s all I have and I’m NOT going to have you hurting him!”

Well, okay, I guess we should all listen to you because… because… who are you, even?

Everyone drops the tomatoes and she smiles because she knows she’s superior. That’s my goddess, my protection.

I hate you so much right now

“Have a nice life.”

Diana yells at them grabbing my wrist pulling me away from town. I hope this means she feels something.

I hope this means she’s going to fall off a cliff and die

Yay ok things had to move forward in the story hope u enjoyed.

No, I didn’t. I hated it. I hated it a lot.

Omg schools starting tomorrow

Omg I don’t care

Crowd: Diana do you want to go back?

Me: NO! *domo face*

But I will be better than most and update like I have been.

Crowd: *cheering*

Me: oh stop it you guys.

I hate it when authors do this nonsense in their author’s notes. Don’t they know they aren’t funny?

Lots of love-cartoonnetworknerdchick

I don’t want your love, please take it away -Skepkitty

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