Horrible Fanfiction #143: Being in Love with a Fictional Man (part 6), a The Lorax fanfic

I almost typed “a Once-ler fanfic” in the title of this post. Whoops. (Although it’s more accurate that way.)

Sorry for my absence. I’ve had a busy week, and a busy past couple days, too. You guys ready for more of this rubbish?

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

I’m sorry I didn’t update yesterday but I didn’t get time to get away from the family. 

You mean telling them “Sorry, guys, I have to go write a story about a fictional character from an animated children’s movie falling in love with me” didn’t work?

Todays a new day! 

Uh… you don’t say?

Love you lots-cartoonnetworknerdchick.

Hate your story lots! -Skepkitty

Diana’s pov

We scream untangling ourselves from each other’s limbs. 

I think you need to untangle yourself from the bad writing, too.

I didn’t even know I could sleep with my arms like that. The Lorax interrupts our stuttering session with a. “Wow kids, what did you two do last night?” 

“Wow, mustache, how about you just take care of the trees and stay out of my business?” the Once-ler replied.

We blush and scream at him in unison. “NOTHING!” I turn to look at him my face hot, trying to hide my feelings. 

I think it’s too late for that.

My eyes straying to his built torso as he buttons them up swiftly. 

Though I did point out in the previous chapter that Once-ler’s a pretty strong guy despite being skinny, I don’t think he’d look overly muscular. In fact, I think that would look kinda stupid on him. So stop going on about how “built” he is kthnx.

I keep trying to detach however I moved around him though I don’t want to. 

I have literally no idea what this sentence means.

The Lorax laughs like he knows something I don’t. 

Yeah, he knows you’re an idiot who doesn’t belong in the story.

I cough trying to control myself because if he was ok with it we wouldn’t still be up we would be wrapped around each other in weird ways still sleeping. 

Wait… did you just say that if the Once-ler liked you back the two of you would still be asleep? Did his not liking you wake you both up or something?

The Once-ler has big eyes like he’s expecting me to say something but I can’t gather enough words to say a sentence. 

Okay, then don’t. Once-ler’s not a quiet guy, he can talk his way out of this one on his own. Probably better than you can, too.

“We we’re sleeping.” I say my voice quiet. 

We we are not very good at grammar, I see.

Oncie looks at me like he knows I’m falling in love with him…WAIT. Stop right there, love? I can’t love him I just can’t it’s just, just …but I am.

You are not falling in love with him. Your attraction to this fellow, at least as demonstrated thus far, is entirely physical, and, despite what Twilight might tell you, that isn’t love at all. That’s called lust and it’s perfectly fine and normal and healthy but it is not the same thing as love and quit trying to pretend otherwise.

The Once-lers pov

Everyone falls into silence. 

Well, most everyone is still asleep, right? I mean, the animals and such? So they were silent already.

The animals are surprisingly still asleep even through the whole event. 

Yep, I’m right. By “silence fell” the author apparently just means “Diana stopped talking and no one said anything immediately after that”, which is rather less dramatic than what I think she was going for.

I want to touch her, to show her I’m alright with what happened but that might just give away how strong my feelings are building. 

BUT WHO EVEN CARES IF YOU GIVE THAT AWAY? HASN’T SHE MADE IT OBVIOUS ENOUGH THAT SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU?

Like I’ve said before, the Once-ler doesn’t have a canon romantic interest, so we don’t really know how he would behave in a situation like this. Maybe he’d suddenly become shy and awkward when faced with a pretty girl, but seeing as “shy and awkward” are not parts of his canon personality, this seems a little weird to me. It’s fairly standard as bad romance goes, but it’s also yet more evidence that the author has little to no grasp of Once-ler’s actual personality.

I try to swallow up enough courage to touch her then my eyes widen as I remember the Titanic movie. 

Since when is that a thing that exists in your universe?

“Jack touch me!” Wow that’s not what I meant, well I would like to…wait stop it brain. How am I even imaging this…STOP it! 

Yes, please do stop.

The Lorax laughs and she nervously laughs with him I join in and soon we’re all laughing. 

That’s great, good for you guys. Great. Is anything going to actually happen already?

I pull myself up and extend my hand to help her up. Diana places her soft hand in mine as I pull her to her feet. 

Is anything besides unnecessary adjectives being used to describe Diana’s hands going to actually happen already?

I unzip the tent door and step out, Diana in tow and the Lorax fallows behind her. 

THAT ISN’T HOW YOU SPELL “FOLLOW”, OKAY, AND YOU CAN’T EVEN GIVE ME THE EXCUSE OF IT BEING A TYPO BECAUSE O AND A ARE ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF A KEYBOARD.

“Go on.” I tell her. I turn to the Lorax. “Why would you say that?” I whisper-yell at him. He laughs and responds. “Hey I call them as I see them.” 

This isn’t a laughing matter, Lorax. Mary Sues invading canon for no good reason are very serious business.

I narrow my eyes at him. “Your making everything weird.” I snap back. “I’m not the one you we’re the one who can’t keep his hands to himself.” 

I think he’s been keeping his hands to himself pretty well, actually, minus touching Diana’s butt while asleep, which doesn’t count because he was asleep.

“Yes I can! But I don’t want to mess anything up because I…I … you know what never mind!” I say sharply turning my body and stomp off. “You ..you…LOVE her.” He yells mocking behind me. I turn on my heel harshly raising my index in distress and slump because it’s true.

NO. IT. IS. NOT. TRUE.

YOU TWO ARE NOT IN LOVE.

YOU JUST WANT TO BANG EACH OTHER. AND THAT’S OKAY, BUT IT ISN’T THE SAME AS LOVE. AND, BY THE WAY, ONCE-LER, YOU COULD REALLY DO A LOT BETTER THAN THIS ONE. I’M JUST SAYIN’.

Diana’s pov

I can’t help but be happy whenever I’m around him but I worry he doesn’t feel how I do. 

Don’t worry about how he feels. Worry about how I feel! I feel you should be thrown in the river!

Me I became obsessed with a movie character who’s real and making me fall in love with him. 

NOT LOVE

NO

YOU ARE WRONG

THE THINGS THAT YOU WRITE ARE COMPLETELY UNGOOD

I get knots in my stomach thinking if he doesn’t feel anything close to my feelings. I walk along the river bank as he approaches behind me. “I’m going to run in and grab some clothes and change alright?” Oncie says his blue eyes twinkling. 

Why are his eyes twinkling?

“Go ahead.” I smile at him as his award winning smile lights his handsome face. 

Hey, uh, he does have a pretty nice smile, but I don’t think he won any awards for it.

I watch him as he jogs up the hill admiring his lean body move. 

Jeez, by this author’s standards this is practically purple prose.

I sigh and turn walking back to my tent. The animals seemed to have gotten up and left and I can confirm my guess as I hear their laughter all around. I jump inside and start to change.

Why is all the fanservice in this centered around people changing their clothes?

Oncie’s pov

I run inside my unused home and have to hold my nose. Oh my gawd it smells so bad like I don’t know, and I’m not going to try and describe it because it’s sickening. 

The latter part of this sentence describes this fanfic in general pretty accurately.

I rush and throw open my drawer and grab my clothes. Ewww ewww eww I really hope they don’t smell too. 

Can’t you just open a window and air the place out? Can’t you get rid of the rotten egg that stunk up the place to begin with?

I feel my eyes kind of roll back and I’m out. 

Out cold? Out of the house? Out of clean underwear?

I run back down the hill fighting this epic fatigue. 

I don’t think you know what “fatigue” means, unless Once-ler has become very tired all of a sudden.

It reminds me of what Snooki’s boyfriend must’ve thought when he smelled her hair products .I laugh out loud to myself. 

JERSEY SHORE DOES NOT EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE

I DOUBT NEW JERSEY EVEN EXISTS IN THIS UNIVERSE

PLEASE JUST SHUT UP OKAY

Rounding the corner of the tent I hear the happiness of the animals and I assume the angel. 

Oh, for god’s sake.

*clears throat*

She isn’t an angel. She’s some dumb OC.
You don’t want to date her. Just take it from me.
For Seuss’ sake, beanpole! Are you really that blind?
If she were an angel, then she would be kind,
She’d be gentle and sweet, and we might even love her.
But as it is, us readers don’t think much of her.
And, frankly, I wish that you’d realize she’s not
The love of your life; you just think she’s hot.
Get back to work, man. Go and sell that damn Thneed.
Go be in a story we’d all like to read.
Or at least dump Diana, the horrible witch,
And find yourself someone who’s less of a bitch.

I stand in front of the tent door, where she probably won’t walk to I quickly shed my pants and shirt when the tent door opens and a delicate foot step’s out.

I thought I had reached my limit on facepalms for the chapter, but nope!

Even if he thought she was outside the tent, why would he change right outside the tent door? Presumably she might decide to go back into her tent, in which case she’d find him blocking the only entrance.

Why doesn’t he change behind his own tent? Doesn’t he still have his wagon to change in? At the very least, couldn’t he go some distance away from both of their tents?

Diana’s pov

Seriously? Every time I see him nowadays we’re naked, well at least this time I’M not the one who’s in embarrassment but then again I’m not complaining as I lay on top of him. 

LAMPSHADING THIS DOES NOT MAKE IT BETTER

His face burns and I sit up. “You know we should just run around naked all day and give each other piggy back rides all day because we seem to end up like this a lot.” 

That’s 80% weird, 5% funny and 15% I hate you.

Our laughs mix together in the air we crack up and soon we’re rolling on the ground gasping for air. “I think we should do that.” He says suddenly serious then breaks out in a smile. My face turns to shock. “I was kidding!”

So was he! At least, I hope.

Oncie’s face burns red when I remind him that he should cover up his manhood. 

It was never mentioned that he took off his underwear. (Maybe he goes commando?)

I kind of like that he had to be reminded, though. I’m pretty sure canon!Once-ler has no concept of modesty, since he got changed in front of the Lorax and a large number of animals in the movie.

He giggles like a girl and uses his fedora for protection. 

Why is he giggling like a girl?

I get up and eat a few pieces of unidentifiable fruit before saying. “I think I’m going to go to town.”

I’m pretty sure that’s Truffula Fruit you’re eating, Miss I-Am-An-Expert-On-This-Movie.

The Lorax and the Once-ler snap their heads back at me. “What?” They look at each other. “What?” I pester again. The Lorax pushes his leg. He blushes and stumbles up to me. “Hot girls need protection going to town.” He says looking at his feet. 

WHAT. NO. YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE, STORY.

The idea that Diana needs protection going into town on a nice sunny day just because she’s attractive is so ridiculously sexist that I’d normally assume the author meant it as a bad joke, or as Once-ler using a lame excuse to get Diana to let him accompany her into town. But the fact that both the Lorax and the Once-ler immediately react with “oh no she can’t possibly go into town on her own” seems to indicate that the author actually believes this is the case.

If you wanted Once-ler and Diana to walk into town together, then you could have found a better reason. Like maybe the fact that Diana doesn’t know where the town is.

Besides, just from a practical standpoint, I assume she’s going to be riding her horse into town. I think that counts as some measure of protection, no? What does he think is going to happen, anyway? I know people in town threw tomatoes at him, but is it honestly dangerous there, or is the route a dangerous one?

*slams head repeatedly against wall*

“Excuse me?” I say cocking an eyebrow at him.

You know something is wrong when I’m taking Diana’s side over Once-ler’s.

“Beautiful girls need protection going to town, you know you could get kidnapped…”

Kidnapping. Well. Okay then.

I don’t even have anything to say to this.

I smile at him. “Fight me then, and see if I need protection.”

Oh, come on now. He’s like six and a half feet tall. He cuts down trees with one chop. He is remarkably coordinated for such a beanpole. He will kick your ass.

The Once-lers pov

Instead of a majestic happy smile a sly sexy challenging smile lights her face. 

That’s too many adjectives to describe a damn smile

“I could kick you’re as-” “Eh!” the Lorax scolds her. “Really?” I say turning my head giving her the joy of looking at my epic smile. 

I don’t remember you being quite that pleased with yourself, Once-ler. Any more than this and I’m just gonna go ahead and say that Oncest is canon.

“Really.” She says utterly confident and calm. Our faces are so close and the smell of truffla pears fills my air way, these are the moments I want to rip off our clothes, kick the Lorax out, and teach the bears some new sounds. 

Your attempt to write sexy is undermined by your complete and utter lack of writing ability.

But time will come. My hips insist on it.

OH MY GOD I’M LAUGHING WHAT EVEN IS THIS

MY HIPS INSIST ON IT

THAT’S THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD

“Ofh.” Ok I just let her have the first punch, bad idea. Just mere seconds ago we we’re standing in fight position my shirt off her in her tight jeans and tee-shirt. I bend over and suck in air between my teeth. I stand back up again a nagging pain in my abdomen. 

What did your hips have to say about that?

The angel’s face has turned into a sexier version of James Bond as a woman. 

New headcanon: Once-ler is gay for James Bond

Her head is bowed a little as she looks at me from the top of her electric green eyes. I feel like I’ve just challenged the sexiest demon ever. I feel like an idiot.

Well, if she’s that scary maybe you should just get your axe.

“Hit me!” She commands. I don’t want to hurt her. 

I’d be happy to do it for you.

“Don’t hold back just because I’m pretty I’ve had this nose broken before.” Well she asked for it. Little did I know but I learned later is she used to box, had her nose broken twice once messed it up breaking it again fixed it. I swing for her cheek and get ready for impact and tears from her, but she ducks with grace and ease. Swinging her leg in between mine and trips me to the ground. “Get up. I’ll wait.” I feel humiliated and kind of wimpy. 

I’m sorry, no. Once-ler would kick this girl’s ass. He’s taller than her, probably stronger, definitely quite agile (so I don’t think she’d even hold the advantage there), and he’s quick to anger, meaning that the minute she hit him, he should have gotten mad and hit her back. Not this “I don’t want to hit a girl” crap. He totally would hit a girl.

Also, important question: isn’t he still naked?

I jump back up from the ground and resume fighting stance. We continue like ninjas, me swinging with force her ducking and punching me but she avoids my face. I’m getting hit more then I’m hitting actually I have not hit anything but air. 

I can believe her being able to dodge him — not 100% of the time, but sometimes — but I don’t believe that she would manage to land every punch while he misses every time. That is incredibly Sue-ish.

I’m actually trying, she taunt’s me with her seductive smile. “Diana why are you avoiding my face?” She ducks my punch and squats to sweep her legs under mine but I’ve learned to jump it. 

Next time how about you try going on the offensive when you see her going into a predictable move, instead of merely avoiding it?

“Because, I can’t see that handsome, sexy face of yours with a crooked nose.” She smiles back at me dodging my attempts. This catches me a little off guard, she thinks I’m handsome no sexy? 

Have you ever looked in the mirror? I mean, have you been paying any attention during this fic? Does she have to bake you a cake with “YOU’RE A HOTTIE” on it for you to get the picture?

I’m lost for words and she uses it to trip me to the ground I fall with a good groan of pain because my whole body hurts from her lean arms. 

Oh you poor thing. Here’s some advice: wait till she’s asleep, then get out your axe.

Diana crawls on all fours like a cat on top of me straddling my body shivers of excitement and delight run through my veins even though she just kicked my butt. 

I’m beginning to think you may have some masochistic tendencies.

Then she SLAPPED me, hard too. 

Yeah, definitely.

Then she whispers the most sexiest and harsh words ever in my ear.

“Hmmmm looks like I couldn’t avoid your face. Ironic huh?”

1. That’s not irony
2. It was never specified where she slapped him so it seems a little weird to only now tell us that it was in the face
3. I still refuse to believe that Diana would win this fight
4. Thankfully this is where the chapter ends
5. Aside from the author’s note which we’ll go to now

Looks like Diana can kick some ass huh?

No, it looks like you’re a Suethor. Which you are.

GIRL POWA!

Yeah, your story was definitely full of GIRL POWA when you wrote about how hot girls can’t go into town alone, unless of course they’re awesome like Diana!1!1!1!!

You guys are great keep reviewing and reading bcuz I love u guys! *virtually of course* I’m no creeper. 

You sure about that?

Lots of love -cartoonnetworknerdchick

You know, I think Once-ler’s tired of being involved in this crap and just wants to go back to trying to start a business. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’d want you to stop, right now. And you wouldn’t disobey the Once-ler, would you?

Not if his hips insisted on it.

Continue reading here.