Horrible Fanfiction #142: Being in Love with a Fictional Man (part 5), a The Lorax fanfic

Everyone in the mood for some hot OC-on-Once-ler action? Yes? You are? Too bad! Nothing in this chapter is remotely hot. Also, the OC sucks. I’m sorry, everyone.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

Hey bored and being creative, who’s up for another chapter? 

Not me. Also, you’re not “being creative”, you’re writing about the Once-ler wanting to take his pants off falling in love with your self-insert. That ain’t creative, girl.

*random hobo raises arm* NOT YOU SIMON! Lol jk! –cartoonnetworknerdchick

Gosh you are just so hilarious.

The Once-lers pov

I sigh, content as we lay in the grass breathing heavy, I can’t help looking at her heaving chest. 

Yeah, I’m heaving too.

Focus I scream at myself and pull my eyes away. “How long do you think you can stay?” I ask nervous she’ll say she’s going to leave. 

I, on the other hand, am nervous she’ll say she’s going to stay. Actually, I’m more than nervous, because I know she’s going to stay and further pollute canon with her presence.

The angels smile lights her face and she locks eyes with me. 

OH FOR GOD’S SAKE

SHE ISN’T A FUCKING ANGEL, OKAY, A FEW CHAPTERS AGO SHE YELLED AT YOU BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T LIKE THE BREAKFAST YOU MADE FOR HER JUST TO BE KIND AND WELCOMING

AND AUTHOR, WE REALLY DON’T WANT TO BE READING ABOUT HOW FUCKING GREAT YOU THINK YOU ARE. ASIDE FROM US HERE ON THW, I DON’T KNOW WHO WOULD READ THIS OTHER THAN A ONCE-LER FAN, AND THEY’RE ONLY READING IT BECAUSE THEY’RE HOPING THERE WILL BE FANSERVICE. THAT MEANS FANSERVICE OF ONCE-LER, NOT YOU, BUT SO FAR IF THEY WANT FANSERVICE THEY’D BE MUCH BETTER OFF JUST WATCHING THE MOVIE BECAUSE AT LEAST YOU AREN’T IN THE GODDAMN MOVIE.

/caps lock rant

“I think I could die here given the chance.” 

I would be delighted to give you that chance. Just stay right there while I fetch the axe.

My spirits soar as she looks into my eyes. We fall into a comfortable silence her voice breaks it after a while. “Have you ever been kissed?” She asks turning again to look at me suddenly serious. 

Well, the Lorax did try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him in the movie, so… kinda?

I swallow thinking of the right answer, so I go with the cool guy response. 

Did you tell her she’s a stupid baby?

“Yeah, I’m not a virgin.” I scoff because my first time was with a drunken fat chick. 

Oh geez, I was joking with that comment but now he actually does sound kinda like Swag, if Swag was incredibly poorly written and not funny.

And look at that, fat-shaming. The author just had to make it crystal-clear that the girl Once-ler lost his virginity to can’t hold a candle to Diana, didn’t she? Fat, drunk, and apparently not even worthy of a name.

I’m pretty sure Once-ler is a virgin, too. Partly because he just seems like he’d be one; partly because this is a guy whose lifelong dream is to create and sell a multipurpose knitted item, and because after leaving home he went to live out in the middle of nowhere. When would he have had time for girls? When would he have even had the chance to interact with girls?

“Oh.” Diana sounds a little disappointed. “What about you?” I say a little too eager for my liking. “Yeah, a few but they never meant anything.” 

“Whereas you mean SO MUCH to me, because earlier in the story I said I liked your hair.”

Her dark eyes turned to stare deeper into mine. 

Her eyes aren’t dark, they’re green. Keep your damn story straight. (And don’t pull some “they’re dark green” crap on me, either. They’re not dark green. They are green. You have only ever described them as being green. Shut up.)

I feel like I’m being brainwashed. 

Yeah, you are. By the author, who likes to conveniently discard all your major personality traits and just make you into a generic kawaii boy that she can imagine herself kissing.

We stay silent and she finally gets up, tossing the sun stricken brown curls over her shoulder. 

“sun-stricken”

For christ’s sake.

“Night Oncie.”

What the hell? It’s not night. It’s about four PM at the latest.

 She sounds a little disappointed. “What about that kiss?” I ask trying to cheer her up. 

No you weren’t, you were trying to get kissed, you little shit.

She turns and smiles and bends over to kiss my forehead. Diana pulls away to leave when I grab her hand and kiss it. “Night beautiful.” She looks at me surprised and walks away confused. 

Confused because… why? He’s called her beautiful before.

Looking back at me she trips on her own feet for a little bit and blushes and continues walking. I laugh at her lame excuses. 

What lame excuses? What are you on about?

“Oh no to many rocks.” She blurts back at me. 

Oh, I see, you had her say the lame excuse after you talked about her making lame excuses. That is not how writing works, author.

The Lorax stares me down and tells me. “Are you blind? She was implying you kiss her!” 

No… she… wasn’t? When was she implying that? Back when they were talking about first kisses?

“WHAT!?” I can’t help it no more as I tuck myself in my warm bed in fuzzy duck pajamas that I’m falling for her….HARD.

Yes, because you two have such great chemistry and get along so well and obviously are made for each other and jesus christ Oncie just get your axe and pretend she’s a Truffula Tree.

Diana’s pov

I pull the sleeping bag up to my chin and shiver under it because I’m still damp. 

Why are you still damp? You were lying around in the sun for long enough to dry off.

The day’s events playing like a movie in my mind. 

AHAHAHAHA GET IT BECAUSE THIS IS A FANFIC BASED ON A MOVIE

I toss and turn and have little giggle fits at his words. “Night beautiful.” 

Yeah, I’m laughing at the idea of someone calling you beautiful too.

I hear a scratching at my tent door. I jump up and grab my spoon. Great defense! A spoon can totally kill a burglar. I remind myself that the Lorax was rated PG so I’m safe. 

Just because the events of the movie were PG-rated doesn’t mean you’re safe. The movie being PG doesn’t mean that nothing PG-13 rated or above could possibly happen in it. (I think this fanfic may be PG-13 already, what with all the random “fanservice” involving Diana.)

I slip out of my make-shift bed and slowly unzip my tent door. I gasp because about all the animals are standing there. I look back at them and continue unzipping it. 

Why? Zip it right back up. They can sleep outside.

Why aren’t they at Once-ler’s place, anyway?

I have a 4 person tent I should be okay for the night at least. 

Why do you have a four-person tent if you were planning on living alone in the woods and packed as light as possible accordingly?

They pile in and the last person standing outside is The Once-ler. He rubs the back of his neck self- consciously and says. “Hey um…can the gang sleep here because one of the birds had a bad egg and it broke bombing the house with a really unbearable smell.” 

Do birds lay eggs at night? I always thought that was a morning thing, but come to think of it I’m just assuming that based on what chickens do. (My family used to keep chickens.)

As excuses to have Once-ler and Diana sleep in the same tent go, though, this isn’t that terrible. So congratulations, author, “not that terrible” is a big accomplishment for you.

He smiles at me and scratches his head. I smile and shrug. “Sure.” Him and the Lorax pile in and the tents way past what’s expected. I fight myself as I lay facing the Once-ler his back turned to me. 

You fight yourself? Uh, what? (Who’s winning?)

Shiny black hair clouds my vision as moonlight pours in from the tent window. 

There she is talking about his hair again. I mean, yeah, it’s pretty nice hair, but I’m not really sure why she keeps going on about it.

I bite my hand to keep from running my hands in it. 

What excellent self-control.

I soon fall into a deep sleep knowing I have him next to me.

Y’know, if I was her I don’t think I’d have a real easy time getting to sleep with an attractive fictional character lying literally inches from me. That sounds like a recipe for not sleeping much at all.

What’s he sleeping on, anyway? I assume the sleeping bag isn’t large enough for both of them.

The Once-ler’s pov

I wake up with my arms wrapped around someone’s body with their arms wrapped around me. Our bodies intertwined in weird ways. Their legs mixed in with mine one of their hands in my hair the other on my chest. One of mine on their… butt. 

Wow, good job, you identified a body part. Jesus christ this scene is one big cliché already.

Bears don’t have round fleshy butts. 

I dunno, that fat Bar-ba-loot has quite the rear end on it WHICH REMINDS ME, THEY’RE NOT BEARS, THEY’RE BROWN FUCKING BAR-BA-LOOTS JESUS HAVE YOU AND CANON EVEN MET

My eyes pop open as Diana’s do. “AHHHHHHH!” We both scream in unison, jumping away from each other. 

…and you’re basically lifting a scene from the movie. Creative!

It’s hard though since we’ve fitted to each other so close. We both popped up and I quickly button up my shirt. 

Why was your shirt unbuttoned, Once-ler?

“Why was your shirt unbuttoned?!” She screeches at me. 

I really do hate sharing thoughts with Mary Sue OCs.

“I don’t know I get hot and unconsciously unbutton them!” I yell back at her. 

“And why are your pants around your ankles?!”

“I… don’t know, that’s never happened before!”

“Not even unconsciously?”

“Not even unconsciously!”

We’re both blushing intensely. 

Good to know.

But I know I enjoyed sleeping in each other’s arms because I slept the best sleep I ever had last night. 

I… don’t… care?

We both sputter at each other before we’re interrupted by the Lorax laughing and asking.

“WOW kids what did you two do last night?”

Hopefully nothing hopefully nothing hopefully nothing

Things are getting steamy in the tent! ;) 

No they aren’t. That’s not steamy. That and steamy are a long-distance phone call away, and they’ve never actually had that phone call.

Love you guys review like usual. this ones a little short.

Thank the lord.

You guys are my virtual fangirl bffs. XD lots of love-cartoonnetwoknerdchick

Well, this chapter sucked. Will the next one? You bet!
Tune in next time to see just how bad it can get.

Continue reading here.