Horrible Fanfiction #141: Being in Love with a Fictional Man (part 4), a The Lorax fanfic

This one took a little while to MST, because it’s long and because it was painful to read. We’re approaching the halfway mark for this fic, though! (It’s ten chapters long.)

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

Yay chapter 4 I just want to say special thanks to all my reviewers you guys are so awesome. *virtual hugs* you guys are the ones that make me continue stories.

Dammit, reviewers, quit encouraging her. Do I have to come over there and tell you to knock it off?

(the beginning is kind’ove angsty but just wait) 

Dear god, please no.

Oh and I don’t own the song she sings, Colbie Caliet does I would listen to it if I were you. 

Oh fucking hell. I hate this chapter already.

Lots of love-cartoonnetworknerdchick

YOU REALLY DO NOT NEED TO SIGN YOUR USERNAME EVERY TIME

Diana pov

I can’t sleep knowing that by tomorrow I’ll be about five feet away from the movie character I get foreign emotions just thinking about. 

About five feet away from him, you say? Well, gosh dang but ain’t that the sexiest.

I toss and turn in his tee-shirt his aroma intoxicating my mind. 

You guys have no idea how hard I am laughing. What’s he smell like, by the way? Pancakes and marshmallows?

I sigh realizing I sound like Bella from twilight, so annoying. 

Calling yourself out on your own annoyingness does not make you any less annoying.

I pull myself off the ground, gingerly opening the tent flap I step into the moonlight. I settle on the riverbank glancing back at my reflection. 

Quick, someone sneak up behind her and push her in!

His image burning in my mind, the big blue eyes, smooth hair, perfect scrawny body. 

“perfect scrawny body”

No comment.

I laugh because I like them built. But he’s just so different. 

Different from what? The other guys you’ve liked? Yeah, well, for starters this one is fictional.

While I ponder Oncie’s handsomeness my insecurities creep in. it glares at my reflection. 

Well, of course it does. What’s “it”, by the way? Her insecurities? Insecurities are plural, not singular. That aside, this is still godawful. Learn to write, author.

Your face is too thin and your arms are too big. It sneers at me. 

what

Your hairs a mess and your eyes are too big for anyone to love. 

SERIOUSLY, WHAT

A minute ago she was thinking about how Once-ler is a hottie for being big-eyed (except he doesn’t really have bigger eyes than anyone else in the movie) and skinny, but when Diana has a thin face and big eyes it’s a problem?

Answer: no, of course it’s not. The author is just trying to make Diana look like less of a Sue by having her feel insecure about her looks even though she doesn’t have any unattractive physical attributes. Some of these are just ridiculous, too. Her arms are too big? What does that mean? Her hair’s a mess? Can’t she brush it? What?

On top of that, Diana’s spent the entire fic being pretty pleased about her appearance. Why the sudden angsting over it? Goddamn do I hate this story.

You’re so dumb for dropping out of college the only thing you could do. 

Okay, yeah, she is dumb for dropping out after taking one class. I’ll give her that one. But who’s betting the author doesn’t think that was actually dumb behavior? *raises hand*

I feel a few stray tears fall. 

Shut up, if you please.

You’re not pretty enough for him. 

Bitch, I am so pretty enough for him, okay? God.

I argue with myself and hastily brush away tears. 

You don’t end dialogue with a period, idiot! That should have read as “You’re not pretty enough for him, I argue with myself…” rather than it being two separate sentences.

Fighting the lies my conscious tells me. 

“Conscious” is not a noun. I think you mean “conscience”, but I also think you don’t know what “conscience” means, because you are not using it correctly at all.

But they hurt so I cry and hug my knees knowing none of these are true ,but I can’t help but feel helpless. 

Okay, fuck this story. Seriously. I previously discussed how none of the things she’s feeling insecure about are flaws, but now she herself is acknowledging this yet still cut up over it? We’ve got to feel sorry for the poor sad Sue, yet god forbid we think she isn’t actually perfect.

I hold back more tears and sniff ,when I turn because of the wiry hand on my shoulder.

“wiry hand”

What?

Oncie’s pov

Oh, for fuck’s sake. You don’t have to call him Oncie in the damn POV changes.

Diana’s delicate frame sits by the river bank as I walk outside. I can’t concentrate , I tried to blueprint a thneed factory and all that happened is that I drew her and every time I would try again, BAM I drew her again. 

He’s seen her, what, three times? How can he even draw her with any sort of accuracy?

Again with Once-ler planning ahead. In case you haven’t seen the movie, this is a condensed version of how shit went down canonically:

1. Once-ler shows up, cuts down tree, knits first Thneed.
2. Lorax shows up and, long story short, gets Once-ler to promise not to cut down any more trees.
3. Once-ler tries unsuccessfully to sell his first Thneed. At this point he has not made any others, he hasn’t planned ahead, he hasn’t done anything other than make the first one and try to sell it.
4. Once-ler’s Thneed finally sells.
5. Once-ler calls up his family, his family shows up, they convince him to break his promise because trying to harvest the Truffula tufts without cutting down the trees is inefficient.
6. Cue musical number and really nice green suit.
7. Once-ler’s business gets huge, he becomes super rich and successful, life’s great for him until the last tree is cut down and his business fails. At this point all the animals leave due to pollution and lack of food.
8. Lorax leaves.
9. Once-ler stays in his Lerkim until kid shows up and asks him to tell his story blah blah blah

So, basically, this fanfic is stuck at #3, yet Once-ler is acting as though his Thneed has sold and it’s time to start planning for the future. That’s a weird and unnecessary departure from the movie.

The Lorax grumbled at me to turn out the light saying if you can’t concentrate go to her. How did he read my mind? 

Uh, he probably saw your “blueprints”, which is how he knew you couldn’t concentrate in the first place, idiot.

Anyhow as I came closer I saw that tears streaked her moon lighten features. 

God, this is terribly written.

I never dealt with crying girls before so I set a hand on her shoulder trying not to blurt. “I like you.” 

Have you dealt with crying anyone before? It’s pretty much the same deal.

Besides, she doesn’t need dealing with, she needs comforting. That’s different, mister.

She looks up at me with a sobered expression. Oh I get it she’s on her period, I heard girls are really moody then. 

…

…no, bad fanfic, don’t go there.

“Diana…” I ask in a cautious voice. “yeah.” She responds her voice shaky. “Are you on your period?” 

Oh bloody hell. (No pun intended.)

Period jokes? 90% of the time, they’re not funny. This is because 90% of the time the entire joke is “lol girls and their periods men amirite”. Yeah, we get it, women are stereotypically crying moody chocolate-craving bitches on their periods, but is that stereotype really so hilarious that just mentioning it counts as humor?

I guess in this case part of the joke is also that Once-ler has no idea how to act around women, but “lol clueless men” is also a stupid punchline.

I grimace and throw up my hands in defense because I forgot that the Lorax told me never to ask that. 

At what point did you and the Lorax have this conversation? And why did you have this conversation?

Diana looks up at me shocked, and I expect a good fist to my face. But she begins laughing and I remove my hands from my face. 

I’m actually surprised that she didn’t hit him, given that her entire character in this fic so far has been “bitchy for no reason”, and now she has an actual reason. (Sort of.) But I guess it makes sense that she’s laughing, since she is the author and the author probably finds her own period joke hilarious.

I settle down beside her our thighs touching. 

Oh, how sexy. Tell me more about how you are sitting next to a girl.

I swiftly wrap an arm around her. 

Uh… why?

She arches an eyebrow at me. I quickly remove my arm and blush, when she grabs my wrist. “No..” Diana commands locking eyes with me. I laugh and she blushes and turns. “Sorry..” I return my arm around her and I ask. “Why were you crying?” she shrugs. “Don’t want to talk about it.” “Thank god.” I mumble. She looks at me in silent laughter. We both start laughing and I get up saying. “Why don’t I go make us some tea.” 

The only part of this I care about is the part with the tea. Can you make me some while you’re up, Once-ler? I like Earl Grey with honey and lemon kthank.

She looks at me and stares. “What?”

“Can you even make it?”

For god’s sake. What idiot can’t make tea? It’s literally putting a teabag in a cup of hot water.

Diana’s pov

Oncie scoffs and heads inside. 

Well, at least he has enough sense to know that was an idiotic thing you just asked him.

I sway and softly sing to calm myself.

Oh dear god no.

Take time to realize that your warmth is crashing down on in

Take time to realize that I’m on your side

Didn’t I didn’t I tell you

But I can’t spell it out for you no, it’s never going to be that simple

Though I can’t spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized then we would be perfect for each other and never find another

If you just realized what I just realized then we would never have to wonder if we missed out on each other

Take time to realize to realize that I am on your side

Didn’t I didn’t I tell you…

Two words: FUCK and NO.

Some more words: I know about three songs by Colbie Caillat, and this happens to be one of them, but it isn’t the song I expected to be used in this fic. I expected “Fallin’ For You”, seeing as that’s a song about, you know, falling for someone. This song, “Realize”, is about two people realizing they’re in love. In fact, it’s originally a duet. The lyrics about being “perfect for each other” etc.? They don’t work here, because this isn’t love. It’s a crush. The only thing going on here is that they’re lusting after one another.

Maybe I should have called the author on this earlier, since the title of the fic is “Being in Love with a Fictional Man” and thus far no one seems to be in love with anyone, but for the previous few chapters no one’s claimed love, either. Now, though, this is apparently a fic where attraction and love are the same thing. I really don’t think I need to point out how fucking stupid it is to get the two confused.

Seriously, though. Their reactions to each other thus far? Once-ler thinks Diana is hot, has mentally expressed a desire to make out, but that’s about it. Diana keeps talking about how attractive she thinks the Once-ler is, but none of the attractive qualities she lists have to do with his personality; they’re all about his hair or his eyes or how tall he is or whatever the fuck else. I’ll say it: this author is bad at being a Once-ler fan.

The Once-ler pov

I hear Diana’s voice through the window and I’m mesmerized. 

Why? Dude, I bet you anything she can’t sing as good as you.

Plus, compared to “How Bad Can I Be” that song fucking sucks.

I go to grab the kettle and burn myself. “Oww!” I scream out. She jumps up and runs into the kitchen. “Oncie!?” she yells her eyes wide. I bite my lip and motion her over. Note to self don’t touch hot things when sexy women are singing outside your window. 

That’s an oddly specific note to self, Once-ler. I doubt you’ll need that one again.

“Ow ow ow ow” I grimace and suck in breath through my teeth as she puts my fingers under the faucet water. “Cold .cold cold!” I whisper loudly through my teeth. 

No, stupid, the entire point of putting cold water on a first-degree burn is to relieve the pain. It doesn’t hurt, it makes the burn feel better. Author, you’re an idiot.

She gives me a sympathetic look with her green eyes. 

We get it, author, her eyes are green and that’s like the greatest because Once-ler likes green blah blah blah.

“Alright , sit down.” She guides me over to my bed. She spares me the embarrassing “how’d you burn yourself “Instead Diana pulls out some toothpaste from my drawer and rubs it gently on my burns. 

Toothpaste? Toothpaste? What the hell is that going to do for the burn?

Toothpaste contains abrasives, by the way. Rubbing it on the burn should just irritate the skin. I guess if the toothpaste is mint-flavored it could have a cooling effect, but still, this is dumb.

“Your fine you won’t have any blisters so it should be calm by tomorrow.” “Can you kiss it?” I say with a smile. “Ewww no their burns and the bacteria on my mouth could give it an infection.” 

NO THEY CAN’T, YOU JUST SAID THERE ARE NO BLISTERS. There is no chance of infection from a first-degree burn, because the only damage is to the top layer of skin. Fucking morons.

“I wasn’t talking about my finger.” 

Then what were you talking about, honey?

“oh.” She’s silent and my stomach knots in disappointment. 

“Look, Once-ler,” I said, “I’ve a question for you:
What the hell do you see in that damn Mary Sue?
She hates on your cooking, she’s bitchy and rude,
And why date a girl who dislikes all your food?
You could really do better. C’mon, man! You’re cute!
The fangirls all swoon when you wear that green suit.
You could probably get any girl that you please.
You’d knock ‘em dead. (Just like the Truffula Trees.)
So quit chasing this one. She’s not worth your time.”
(And now I’ll shut up, ‘cause I really can’t rhyme.)

She smiles and gently kisses the top of my head. 

What, is he sitting down? I don’t see how she can do this otherwise.

“Night Oncie.” She says swiftly and sways out my door. I start smiling and giggling like an idiot, and hold my forehead, thinking. “Omg SCORE!”

Hey, those two sentences rhyme! Though they don’t have the same rhythm! Also, “OmgSCORE!” is a completely idiotic thing to be thinking! Besides, all she did was kiss you on the head, Once-ler, no need to be celebratory yet.

Diana’s pov

I slept soundly the rest of the night dreaming of him holding me again. 

Well, that’s boring. Just him holding you? Nothing else? God, you people have the cleanest minds, I swear.

I get up at a reasonable time of 7 am. Surprising right? 

Yes, actually.

I can’t help feeling giddy though all morning. I jog over the hill to Oncie’s tent. Opening the door I realize the animals are still asleep, and Oncie’s not there. I turn on my heel when the Lorax’s voice sleepy voice sounds. “He went to go sell his thneed , he’ll be back around 1.” 

Yeah? How the fuck does the Lorax know when Once-ler will be back? Why is he going to head back home at 1, for that matter? He’s trying to sell a product that he’s dreamed of creating his entire life. This is a big fucking deal to him.

My face drops I am an expert of this movie and I know he’s going to come back depressed and covered in tomatoes. 

You’re not a goddamn expert of this movie, for reasons previously discussed. Want to know how many times I’ve seen the movie? Three times. Yet I still know what I’m talking about more than someone who claims to watch the movie seven times a week.

So I begin breakfast, the animals actually ate them instead of playing with them which pleased me cause cooking for about 50 animals isn’t fun. 

So then don’t cook for them! You don’t have to. They won’t starve if you don’t feed them. They’ve got food. Truffula Fruits, anyone?

I swallow a few quality pancakes myself and head over to my tent to move things over. The sun starts beating down uncharacteristically on me and the animals swarm over to help me. 

I don’t think you have the foggiest idea what “uncharacteristically” means, since that’s very characteristic of the sun. Are you using big words to try and sound smart, author? Dear me.

The Lorax commanding them what to do I can’t stand this heat and I rip off the top over my head. 

Oh, for god’s sake.

You know what I’ve just realized? All the fanservice in this fic has been of Diana, not the Once-ler. Really — every time something remotely “sexy” happens, the scene switches to Once-ler’s POV just so he can rhapsodize about how awesome the Sue is. Examples:

• First scene with Diana and Once-ler: she flies out of a portal and lands on top of him. Now, if it was from her POV that would be one thing, but it’s not. It’s from his.
• Diana spends all of chapter 2 wearing short-shorts.
• In chapter 3, Once-ler sees Diana naked from behind.
• Same chapter: Diana uses a “seductive voice” when speaking to Once-ler about setting up her tent.
• Earlier in this chapter, Diana sings, and I’m going to count that as fanservice because if Once-ler were singing something (and playing guitar, and actually well-written) it probably would be.
• And now Diana’s shirtless, and I bet you anything that in a few minutes the story will switch to Once-ler’s POV just as he arrives home and spots her walking around without a shirt on.

What the fuck, author? Who do you want us to be attracted to here? I thought this fic was for fans of the Once-ler, not fans of Diana.

The Lorax and the animals don’t seem to care and soon all that’s left is the heavy stuff for me and Oncie to carry. The animals jump in the water and play tag with me as 1 rolls around without me realizing.

This is so poorly written I’ve completely forgotten what is going on.

Oncie’s pov

I push off tomatoes off my vest the thneed just before its time I convince myself. I salvaged my guitar and stuck it back in the case. I hear Diana’s laughter mixed with the animals I smile and pull off my soiled shirt, grabbing a bucket and heading down to the river to clean up my pants. 

Now hold on a second. I don’t think we ever got any indication in the movie of how far away the town where Once-ler tried to sell his Thneed is from Once-ler’s house, but I very much doubt they are within hearing distance of each other, which is what this paragraph implies.

Also, in the movie, Once-ler just wiped the tomatoes off himself, because cartoon physics. (Or really good stain-resistant fabric technology. Could be either.) But I guess him taking off his shirt is fanservice? Or would be, if it was from someone’s POV other than his and/or well-written?

I freeze when I see Diana topless just in a bra and playing with the animals without a care. I look down at my stomach ,yeah I have a 4 pack. I’m just THAT awesome. 

I kind of like how Once-ler’s reaction to seeing Diana shirtless is apparently “Wow, she’s hot, but LOOK AT ME WOW SERIOUSLY I AM ALSO HOT”.

Diana runs up to me pulling me saying “Come on we got to move the stuff!” she is being pretty casual for just being in shorts and a bra, but then again I’m shirt-less too.

No, I get it, he took his shirt off. You don’t need to keep reminding me.

Diana pov

I blush realizing I still don’t have a shirt. 

SERIOUSLY, I UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ARE NOT WEARING SHIRTS, DO WE REALLY NEED TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT THIS

Plus he’s way more built then I expected. His skinny arms are actually toned to perfection. 

That’s not surprising, actually. Once-ler seems to be pretty strong in both the movie and the book.  He cuts down a huge Truffula Tree (with one chop, in the book, and only three or so in the movie) and drags it to where he wants it; he builds his own shop in the book and sets up his own house in the movie; at one point in the movie, he picks up the Lorax (who isn’t very big, but looks as though he’d be heavy) and holds him at arm’s length as though he’s a stuffed animal; and I’m told that in a deleted scene he actually pulled his own wagon and all the stuff in it a considerable distance. Just ‘cause he’s skinny don’t mean you can push this guy around.

I only said all that because usually when some author goes on and on about how character X is muscular despite being skinny, I have to point out all the ways in which that’s stupid and wrong. But in Once-ler’s case, I’ll buy it.

I feel light headed. Got to act casual I tell myself. 

Alternate title for this story: Casually Ogling a Fictional Man

“Come on.” I pester him pulling him by the wrist. I notice him staring at me but we’re even because I can’t stop staring at him.

I get it, you’re both incredibly sexy and also attracted to each other which clearly means you are soulmates.

We both blush and begin moving the big stuff near the new place for my tent the sun just doesn’t let up though and I’m sweating really heavy. 

Go sit in the shade for a while if it’s that hot, you idiots.

Actually, hold on a second. What the hell are they even moving? What the fuck does Diana have in that tent that requires two people to move? She set up the tent on her own before; not to mention, all this stuff was apparently light enough for her horse to carry while she was also riding on the horse, and she talked about packing light previously. This makes negative sense.

His chest heaves in effort as we carry the last object and I’m sure mine is to, I have no idea why but it really turns me on. 

Maybe because he’s shirtless and demonstrating his (fairly considerable) strength, and quite possibly screwing up his face or something over it? I mean, being turned on by shirtless cuties isn’t exactly one of the world’s great mysteries, author. Your supposedly bright self-insert should be able to figure this one out on her own.

The sun is burning me so I slip off my shorts. Oncie stares at me. “What are you doing?” He says in an unsure voice. 

“Just, you know, stripping down to my underwear. Like you do.”

This isn’t going to help with the heat, Diana, since your shorts were already miniscule. You’re just increasing your risk of nasty sunburns. Go take a swim or something if you want to cool off, stupid.

“What? The suns hot and I hate the heat.” His eyes stay locked on me and I decide to scare him. I grab a bucket full of water and sneak up behind him and throw it on him. 

Oh jesus. Facepalms are too mild for this.

He’s staring right at her, right? So how can she sneak off, grab “a bucket full of water” (was there a bucket full of water just sitting around, or did she have to go find a bucket then fill it up all without him noticing?), sneak up behind him unnoticed, and dump it on his head?

He makes the most HALARIOUS expression and shivers and screams out like a girl. “Holy sh- that was cold!” 

Once-ler, this is a PG movie.

Also, nice spelling, author. And nice lack of description. “HALARIOUS expression” tells me next to nothing about the face he actually made.

He doesn’t say the word but I’m still laughing rolling in the grass and I cry tears of laughter. 

It’s not that funny! Or maybe it is, but I don’t know, because you barely bothered to describe it!

Then I jump cause he gets back at me with his own bucket. 

WHERE ARE THEY GETTING ALL THESE BUCKETS FROM

HOW ARE THEY MANAGING TO SNEAK UP ON EACH OTHER

H O W

That was actually really COLD! I scream at him. “ONCIE!” He has a triumphant smile plastered to his face.

Good job, Once-ler! Now throw her in the river! Preferably near the waterfall, with rocks tied to her ankles!

The next 2hours or so we run around laughing and throwing water at each other while the animals join in and the Lorax gives us a knowing look. 

“A knowing look”? What’s he supposed to know — that they’re both idiots?

I’m running behind the house when he ambushes me and trips landing on top of me. 

That’s awfully convenient considering he tripped and fell like once in the entire movie and it was because the Lorax showed up and startled him.

“Ofh!” We both say as we fall to the ground. He starts laughing and I join in. He’s still on top of me while I’m on the ground our eyes lock and he whispers something in my ear.” It’s pretty ironic that we’re always on top of each other huh?” 

Once-ler, no, you don’t know what irony is. Also, you’re not “always on top of each other”. This happened once before.

I laugh and he pulls out his bucket and pours it on me. 

WHERE WAS HE KEEPING THE BUCKET

WHY DID IT NOT SPILL WHEN HE TRIPPED

WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON

“JERK”

End of chapter 4 thanks for reading my virtual friends

If your readers on FF.net are virtual friends, does that make me your virtual enemy?

Theta-Mcbride

Fanficadicttion- I did not take the originality thing as an insult because I know you mean no harm.

And a hi to-samanthatm

You don’t need to say hi to all your reviewers just because they reviewed. Gosh, author.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a bucket. To throw up in.

Continue reading here.