Horrible Fanfiction #140: Being in Love with a Fictional Man (part 3), a The Lorax fanfic

There’s a new Fifty Shades review in the works, and a new Invader Zim review too, but it’s been a busy weekend and I didn’t have time to finish them. I did, however, have time for more of this nonsense.

Last night I watched The Lorax again. That only made this fic seem worse.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

Thank you theta-McBride for fallowing and reviewing, I have this thing were if I have nothing to do I update and update and update and see where my crazy ass hand takes me. 

…You meant hands, right? People type with two hands. Not one.

You saw nothing. 

What are you even on about?

You’re officially my favorite reviewer. Ok back to the story. I think I’ll switch views this chapter.

On the one hand: Good, I hate Diana’s POV. On the other hand: Bad, everything from the Once-ler’s perspective is only going to further illustrate how poorly written and out-of-character he is.

The Once-ler’s pov

Hey, last time he was just “Once-ler”, and now he’s “the Once-ler”? I wonder if a reviewer called her on it.

I stood their frozen and dumbfounded as Diana stormed out of my kitchen slamming the door behind her. I just let the most beautiful girl I ever meet in the shortest shorts ever just run out my kitchen. 

I don’t care how short her shorts are, Once-ler, she was a bitch to you. You deserve better, hun. Don’t worry, if you completely ignore her the plot will get back on track and you’ll end up a super rich little shit and then you can have all the girls you want.

I drop my accusing finger and my whole body drops. I sigh and my face drops I slam my hand to my forehead. 

That was three times in two sentences that some part of the Once-ler dropped. I can actually picture the first sentence pretty well, as poorly written as it is, but by the second one his whole body has already dropped so his face dropping is just redundant. Bottom line: learn to write.

It didn’t help that the Lorax just keeps scolding me. 

That’s what he does, Once-ler. Get used to it.

“I’m off to get some truffla.” I say without emotion. 

You are an idiot. No, not you, Once-ler — okay, you’re a bit of an idiot too, but I meant the author. Author, you are an idiot. The trees may be called Truffula Trees — note the spelling — but at no point in either the movie or the book is the fluff Once-ler knits his Thneeds from referred to as “truffula”, or “truffla” for that matter. Therefore, what you have just written is stupid nonsense.

The Lorax jumps off the stool and runs behind me. 

Wait. Is the Once-ler going to cut down another tree? I was assuming he was going to gather more Truffula fluff from the tree he’d already cut down, but maybe I’m wrong. Which would explain why the Lorax is running after him, I guess.

I don’t know why he’s doing this at all, come to think of it. The first Thneed he made hasn’t even sold. In both movie!canon and book!canon, Once-ler didn’t start making Thneeds in earnest until his first one had been bought and he was sure he was going to make a fortune off the things. And if he’s just doing this to take his mind off Diana, why doesn’t he go and try to sell the first Thneed some more to take his mind off of her instead?

Why are you so agitating sometimes, Diana? I mentally think. 

You mentally think? Don’t overwork yourself now, dear.

I slam the door behind the Lorax. I slump down the hill my face long the whole time. 

What hill? They’re in a valley.

The Lorax is scolding me when he says something worth wild. “Why don’t you go and apologize and let her cook instead.” 

“Why don’t you go back to worrying about the trees and stop pestering me about my love life?”

I’m still annoyed over the cooking scene. Partly because we’re supposed to think that Once-ler is at fault for cooking breakfast for Diana, just because the breakfast was bad, but also because why was the breakfast bad? There is no indication in the movie of Once-ler being a bad cook. The pancakes he makes are happily gobbled up by the animals, the food looks perfectly edible, and since he cooks all his own food and obviously enjoys cooking, how bad could it possibly be? I’m just sayin’.

I would like some hot mess cooking in my kitchen why not? 

Why not? Because you referred to her as “some hot mess”, that’s why not. Bad Once-ler. Go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

I make my awesome epic face and respond. “Alright I will.” 

While I won’t dispute the claim that the Once-ler has an “awesome epic face”, this gives me no clue as to what facial expression he just made.

The Lorax made a pleased smile under his gigantic mustache. Then he used my tooth brush to comb it. I still cringe at that. 

HAHAHAHA LOOK AT ME I’M CARTOONNETWORKNERDCHICK AND I’M REUSING A ONE-OFF GAG FROM THE MOVIE AHAHAHAHA I AM SO CLEVER

But first I collect the truffla from the tree. 

Same misspelling twice in a row leads me to believe that this isn’t a typo. Also, did he cut down the tree? If he did, why isn’t the Lorax on his case about it? Fucking hell, story, description isn’t only for telling us how great the Mary Sue is.

I knit another thneed. 

Again: why? He hasn’t sold the first one.

It’s about three I head down to find Diana.

Oh god no. I just realized that the true horror of this chapter has yet to begin.

Diana pov

I wake up and stretch again hearing the pop. I grimace at the sound yawning again. 

Stretch again? Yawning again? When did she do those things before?

It’s three I should get up. 

Gee, ya think?

I sit up and smell myself. OH ok I’m a girl I’m not supposed to smell like that. 

You smell like unwashed human. It is normal. Fuck being “supposed” to smell a certain way because of your gender, that’s stupid.

These are the times I wish I was a guy. 

Reread my last sentence but in bold italics.

Seriously, I don’t think it’s any worse to be a stinky unwashed girl than it is to be a stinky unwashed guy or a stinky unwashed person who doesn’t identify as a binary gender.

I stumble outside and drink water out of the canteen. 

What canteen?

I find pipsqueak looking up at me expectantly I go to offer him a sip but when I lift my arm he waves his hand in front of him nose. 

So you remember that the smallest Bar-ba-loot is called Pipsqueak, yet you forget that he is a Brown Bar-ba-loot and not a bear?

Author, tell me the truth. Did you ever read the book?

I laugh. “I know I smell bad, but hey I haven’t had a real shower for about 2 days. I washed my hair in McDonalds on the trip. Be thankful.” I sneer at the baby bear and finally say. “Alright I’ll wash up in the river. Happy?” 

Good god, Diana, you’re even bitchy to a small animal? Remind me why we’re supposed to like you? Oh, right, because you’re gorgeous and the Once-ler likes you for no apparent reason, so obviously we have to like you too. Just because.

the baby bear smiles at me cutely. Gosh sometimes you just have to love animation. 

It’s not exactly animation if you exist in their universe, is it?

I looked around to make sure no one was looking I had my tent behind the lanky hot guy’s house I should be ok. 

The lanky hot guy has a name. Also, that logic makes no sense. You want to go somewhere where no one will look, move as far as possible from the Once-ler’s house. I don’t care if you’re behind his house, he still has windows, doesn’t he?

I grab soap and a towel, ripping my shirt off the top of my head and unclip anything that needs to be. 

Which should be… nothing, right? What in fuck “clips”? Her bra?

Shimmy off what’s left and jump in. Then immediately regret it because it’s FREEZING.

Running water tends to be cold, idiot. Also, when was it mentioned that she was even near the water? Answer: never. I know that she is, of course, but you need to fucking describe things when you write, author.

The Once-lers pov

I waltz down the hill to Diana my eyes closed humming a tune. 

How do you waltz down a hill? Also, what is with all these hills? He’s walked down two so far in this fic and hasn’t walked up a single one.

I hear a few splashes as I round the corner of her tent. “OH MY GAWD!” I scream out dropping the thneed. She’s naked not facing towards me but her back was enough to send me into hyper-drive. 

Once-ler, you do not have a hyper-drive. You are not a spaceship.

She screams and turns around her face fully red hands clutching to cover anything important. 

Which was nothing, because she is completely unimportant in every way.

“Turn around!” she screeches at me. But again I’m frozen. Should I enjoy this or am I just super unlucky cause I’ve never walked in on a hot girl like this. 

Way to make things all about you, Once-ler. Oh, wait, that’s what he actually does in canon. So, uh… good job, author? I guess?

The Lorax kicks my shin and wakes me up I cover my eyes as she hastily grabs a towel. I admit that I peeked through my fingers but I didn’t see anything because the Lorax kicked my shin again.

This is probably the closest anyone in this fic has come to being in character and that makes me unbearably sad.

Diana’s pov

I clutch the towel to my body. I see him peek through his fingers and I scoff. I hear the Lorax mutter. “That was not what I meant beanpole.” I choke a laugh. But I never mind a guy seeing me cause I knew I was pretty awesome, but it’s different when it’s someone you get shivers from. 

Wait, let me get this straight. Normally she doesn’t mind being seen naked because she knows she’s good-looking (I’ll admit, that’s honestly a refreshing attitude when so many Sues don’t seem to know their own prettiness), but when it’s someone she’s attracted to, then she’s shy about being seen nude?

If this were only written slightly differently, it’d make sense. If she said she doesn’t mind being seen naked because she normally doesn’t care what people think, then it would make sense because obviously she cares what the Once-ler thinks of her looks. If it was less clear that he found her attractive, then it would make sense for the same reason. But he obviously is attracted to her, and she says herself that she isn’t insecure about her naked body because she knows she’s “pretty awesome”. So what’s the big deal?

“I’m decent.” I say in a soft voice. 

No you aren’t.

He cautiously removes his hands. “I’m so sorry!” he sputters incoherently. His whole face is a deep shade of red. “It’s ok.” I mutter and hold onto the towel tighter. “If it makes you feel better I made you this.” He shoves an orange thneed at me. 

Oh, god. Is that why he made it?

ALL OF MY HATE

I take it from his grasp and my fingers brush his. I feel sparks in my stomach. 

I think she’s turned into Anastasia Steele.

I swallow trying to push them down. I look past him and gasp at the bears. They have my clothes and have rubbed themselves in it. 

Why would they do that? She said herself that she smells bad, or did prior to bathing.

Unless it’s her clean clothes, I guess, but didn’t she only bring one pair or something?

I pick up my stray dress it’s covered in thick brown fur. I feared this would happen. 

So? Shake it out, problem solved.

“Can I barrow some clothes?” I ask him. He gives me a sympathetic smile. 

“Sorry, nope. But thanks for asking nicely!”

“That’s cool.” 

She is not allowed to wear the green suit

I cough out an “I’m sorry” and he smiles and mimics me. 

Well, at least she apologizes first.

“I forgive you.” I mutter and smile and hug him. 

WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU FORGIVING HIM FOR HE HAS DONE NOTHING TO YOU YOU LITTLE BLIGHT ON CANON

But quickly step back because this towel is the only thing between me and another embarrassment. He blushes intensely and runs up the hill. 

Can he please come back down with his axe and hack her to pieces?

I fallow him into his tent and stand there waiting for some type of clothing. 

Okay, this is several times now that she’s written “fallow” instead of “follow”, and a couple sentences back she wrote “barrow” instead of “borrow”. O and A are on opposite sides of a keyboard. What is going on?

He hands me some ratty pants and an old tee shirt. 

Well, good. She doesn’t deserve nice things.

Everything’s skin tight on me because he’s so skinny, I feel fat compared to him but hey I’m only a size 6. 

I don’t care what clothing size you are, Diana.

I change as he looks away.

Oh, yeah, I bet he does.

The Once-ler

As I’m turned around I fight the desire to turn around and stare. I hunch my back as I hear the zipper. I want to rip off the clothes she’s wearing and make out. 

Just make out? Nothing else? You innocent little snowflake.

What’s the point of ripping off her clothes, then?

But I barely know her, but I get shivers of emotion every time we touch. 

Which was, like, twice? Also, I’m beginning to question your taste in girls, Once-ler. This one sucks. You could do so much better, sweetie. You really could.

“All done.” Her voice rings out. I turn around to stare. Everything’s skin tight and making me question why women don’t dress like this every day. 

Because a) that’s menswear she has on, and b) women don’t all dress to please you, you little shit.

“Well I’m going to head out Oncie.” 

OH GOD SHE ACTUALLY CALLED HIM ONCIE TO HIS FACE

She turns on her heel and strides to the door. I grab her wrist holding back sparks. 

The writing in this fic is simply appalling.

“Wait I wanted to ask you.” She turns looking at me anxious. “Since you don’t like my cooking, do you want to um… you know cook for us?” 

This fanfic is actually making me angry.

Diana’s beautiful memorizing smile appears on her face. 

THIS IS SO POORLY WRITTEN

“Oh yeah.” She nods. “Want to move your tent closer?” 

Why? What good would that do?

I blush as she sets her hands on my shoulders bringing me down to her height of about “5’9″ 

Uh-uh, Mary Sue, you’re not allowed to be the same height as me.

“Will you help me?” she asks seductively in my ear I hold back more shivers. 

Hot setting-up-tents-with-the-Once-ler action!

I nod and audibly swallow. “yeah.” She laughs as my voice cracks.

What a bitch.

Before I notice she has left out the door.

You’re not terribly observant, are you?

The Lorax walks in soon after she leaves.

“That’s more like it Oncie.” He teases as I burn bright red still frozen with my knees bent.

IMAGINING THE VOICE ACTORS SAYING THESE LINES MAKES IT ALL INFINITELY WORSE

The end of this chapter until another few hours as I dream up more. -cartoonnetworknerdchick

Please, just keep it to yourself next time.

Continue reading here.