Horrible Fanfiction #138: Being in Love with a Fictional Man, a The Lorax fanfic

Some of you are cringing just from the title, aren’t you? I know I am, and not just because the words “a” and “the” look really awkward next to each other.

How many of you like Dr. Seuss? If you don’t, you can GET THE HELL OFF THIS BLOG — no, I’m kidding, you get to stay, but only with the knowledge that I am deeply disappointed in you. The Lorax isn’t exactly one of his cheerier tales, but it was always one of my favorites, which is why I didn’t want to watch the 2012 movie adaptation; I was worried it’d get the book’s message wrong or drastically alter the plot or something else equally awful. However, the movie has a pretty big fandom, and I wanted to know what the fuss was about, so I finally watched The Lorax a couple weeks ago. And — surprise — I loved it.

You don’t really need to have watched the movie to follow along with the story in this fanfic, partly because there is no story in this fanfic. If you’ve read the book, that should suffice.

Are you still wondering about the title? Don’t worry; our lovely author isn’t in love with the Lorax. She’s in love with the Once-ler. Now, this is the part I may have to explain to those of you who’ve only read the book, because in the book all you see of the Once-ler are his green arms. (He’s wearing gloves, actually, so I don’t know if his arms are really green in the book!canon, but nonetheless.) In the movie, young!Once-ler is portrayed as a very tall, very skinny, highly adorkable fellow who at one point wears a very nice green suit. Also he plays guitar. There is a rather large Once-ler fandom for these (and other) reasons.

You can probably guess the plot of this fic already, right? Self-insert Sueishness. Let the fun commence!

Ok so this makes me an EPIC nerd but it’s all part of the name, am I right? 

Oh yeah, forgot to mention: the author’s username on FF.net is “cartoonnetworknerdchick”.

I’m just going to keep on calling her “author”, because that name is too long and I feel silly typing it.

I went to innocently watch The Lorax with my nieces and the whole movie I couldn’t help but notice that the Once-ler was hot. 

See what I mean?

Let me make one thing clear before we start the fic proper: I’m not getting on the author’s case because she’s attracted to the Once-ler. She’s allowed to be. Fictional character crushes are all well and good in my book — hell, if they weren’t, I’d be a massive hypocrite. (Have you guys seen my Tumblr?) But when you get to the point of shamelessly shipping yourself with a fictional character, and badly at that, that’s when I start pointing and laughing.

*blushes and turns* and of course that turns into un-innocent fantasies. 

This fic is rated T, just so you know, so either her fantasies about the Once-ler aren’t that perverted or she’s self-censoring. Or she rated it T despite all the filthy sex scenes.

Since I couldn’t stand to write him with another character I ‘m the oc. 

Honey, no. I get that you’re writing this for fellow Once-ler fans but does anyone else really want to read about you getting it on with a fictional character?

I’m new to this fandom, but it looks like Once-ler mainly gets shipped with a) himself (this is known as “Oncest”), b) Norma, the grandmother of the little boy who goes to see the Once-ler, or c) an OC. He doesn’t have a canon romantic interest. So I guess shipping him with an OC is more excusable than it would normally be, but shipping him with an author-insert is still bad.

Also, maybe I’m the weirdo here, but I’m always perfectly happy to read about my fictional character crushes in a relationship with someone who is not me. Being this possessive of a fictional character strikes me as odd and a little disturbing. Maybe more than a little disturbing.

I just love him that much and apparently I’m not the only one. 

No, you aren’t. I’m beginning to think that teenage females who watched that movie and didn’t fall for the Once-ler are in the minority.

(Go to YouTube) 

Okay, I went to YouTube. Now what?

So I’m not too ashamed. 

Apparently not, if you’re writing about the Once-ler falling in love with you and posting it online.

Present day. 

What? What does this mean? Is she trying to say “I’m not too ashamed, at least not anymore”? Is this unrelated to the previous sentence? Is she talking about the fic’s setting? Because, in the present day of the movie (and the book, for that matter), Once-ler is an old man.

Lots of love- cartoonnetworknerdchick

How bad can this possibly be? Let’s see.

Once-ler pov

Looks pretty bad already.

“WOW.” I sighed and threw down the thneed. I wiped tomato’s off my vest. 

I should explain this for those who haven’t watched the movie, because this is different from in the book: Once-ler went to sell his Thneed, even wrote a little jingle about how great it was, and got rotten tomatoes thrown at him because no one wanted a Thneed and I guess they didn’t fancy his guitar playing either. (This happened for a long time. The Thneed finally became popular when he tossed it away in defeat and it fell on the head of an innocent bystander, who looked pretty good in it.)

I strode my long legs swiging with each step. 

What? Of course his legs are swinging if he’s walking. Why is this necessary information?

I looked up to glare at the Lorax.

He looked up to glare at the Lorax? Uh, no, I don’t think so. Once-ler is easily more than twice the height of the Lorax.

“So no one bought your thneed?” I could tell he was suppressing a laugh underneath his yellow mustache. 

Okay, so in the movie when this happened the Lorax acted more or less sympathetic, and also I don’t think he asked about the Thneed until after the Once-ler had given up on selling the thing. Just so you know.

I thought of giving him the finger but I’m not THAT mean. 

Also, you’re in a children’s movie. Gosh, Once-ler, have some class.

The brown bears collected at my feet for a snack, I gave in and gave them my lunch. 

Those are called Brown Bar-ba-loots, excuse you.

I don’t feel like eating I feel like crap. But hey even awesome people have down days.

You also feel like switching tenses, evidently. Once-ler, you really are having a bad day.

I smile to myself as I think about the magazine hidden under my bed. 

…what magazine? Does the Once-ler have a secret porn stash?

“Ah, Nancy… I do love green.” I say out-loud to myself

Who the fuck is Nancy? Why is Once-ler remarking aloud on his love of green? I don’t get it. Does he have a green fetish? Is that magazine under his bed a paint catalogue with the green section dog-eared or something?

Diana’s pov

Oh, great, time to meet the Mary Sue! Who’s betting the author is named Diana?

“Oww…ow…ouch!” I scream out. I pull back on the reigns as Buddy my horse halts to a stop. I adjust the saddle to regain comfort. 

Admittedly it’s been a while since I last rode a horse, but I don’t remember ever being in great pain because my saddle wasn’t adjusted properly. Then again, I mostly rode bareback.

Reins, not reigns, author. Also: “halts to a stop”?

This is so much better then college! I sneer to myself sarcastically, and throw some un-tamable corkscrew curls over my shoulder. 

I’m picturing her as that girl from Brave (a movie I never actually saw) now.

I’m Diana, I’m a college drop-out and I’m looking for some random forest to go live in for free, get a job and apartment or at least a motel. 

You want a random forest? Don’t hang out with Once-ler, he’ll wreck it.

I could be wrong, but I don’t think living in the woods for free is legal. Unless you own the woods, but then it’s not free.

Also, motel room. Not an entire motel. That’s just silly.

I can’t go home that would be 1 agonizing and 2 embarrassing. 

Yeah, well, home will know you dropped out soon enough. I think being homeless and living in the woods would be more agonizing and embarrassing, actually, but maybe that’s just me.

I’m not dumb I had a 4.5 GPA ever since kinder-garden I just couldn’t stand college. 

Okay, so I’m not an expert on GPAs — at my school, we don’t even learn our GPAs until eleventh grade. But do kindergarteners even have GPAs? What the hell do they grade you on? In my kindergarten we climbed trees and baked pizza every Friday.

In addition, a 4.5 GPA through all twelve years of grade school plus kindergarten? Way to be consistent. And I thought 4.0 was the highest possible GPA. What is this? I’m confused.

I couldn’t stay still for long periods of time. 

Which should have been an issue in grade school, too. If you’re college-age and haven’t mastered the ability to sit still and pay attention during class, you have a problem.

Plus … my first teacher was a pedo. 

How do you know? Did he show you his stash of kiddie porn? I mean, he’s hardly a pedo if he hits on college students. Creepy and out of line, yes, but not a pedophile.

I wasn’t going to wait for another.

Wait — so she dropped out after what was literally her first class at college?

*flashback*

College, wow not that bad so far I found my dorm got my books and successfully found my first class. I opened the door and took a seat in the first row. Fixing my ponytail I took in the scene. Ok pretty girls group together, just like middle and high school. Smart kids stayed to themselves or in groups a few nerd were with the pretty girls. 

Why are “smart kids” and “pretty girls” mutually exclusive groups?

That was different maybe this wasn’t a popularity contest like the last I don’t know maybe 10 years of my life. I decided to figure out who was intelligent and who was not. 

Won’t this become apparent once the professor shows up and class actually starts?

“Gasp Barney!” I screamed. 

I think I just figured out who isn’t intelligent.

Then covered my mouth to keep from laughing too much and messing up my pants at the group of pretty girls turning around and saying. “Where? I don’t see a purple dinosaur?” 

I don’t think covering your mouth will keep you from messing up your pants. I don’t think the pretty girls would turn around, because Diana is in the front row. I don’t think this is funny or the sort of thing a supposedly intelligent college student would do. I do think this is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read.

But holding back your laughter only makes it worse a few laughs and snorts came from my mouth and they were LOUD. Everyone turned to look at me, I felt my face burning up and I looked over to the girl beside me. “Dude that was so mean how could you do that?” I accused her, my face giving away I was lying because I raised my brows and widened my eyes. 

One word: What.

She looked up from her book as the girl with blonde hair stomped over in front of us and says something that makes my stomach sink. Ah no. 

“The girl with blonde hair”? Is there only one blonde in the class?

“Alright so my girl Audrey isn’t too smart but I have to admit that was really funny.” 

No it wasn’t. And why was Diana dreading this response?

I just want to point out that, in the space of less than a paragraph, the OC has proven herself to be a) stupid, b) vaguely meanspirited, c) manipulative and bad at it, and d) possessed of a terrible sense of humor. Great. Way to go, author.

Also, Audrey is the name of a character in movie!canon. She’s the love interest of Ted, the little boy who goes to see the Once-ler. She’s voiced by Taylor Swift. Is it coincidental that this fic has a character named Audrey, or is something else going on?

She’s interrupted by the chick I assume is Audrey gasping and holding her huge chest in shock. Dang her jugs were huge; she doesn’t even need college I know half of the guys here would pay for her. 

Why are we expected to care about the size of Audrey’s “jugs”? Why does being well-endowed mean she doesn’t need college? What would the guys be paying for — her college education, or her services as a prostitute? This is not only stupid but sexist.

The girls voice interrupted my thoughts as I thought if I could do it too. 

Do what too? Get young men to pay for your education? Be a prostitute? Be a poorly written character? I don’t know if you can do the first two, but you’ve got the third one down.

“Your pretty sexy,” She said pointing at me. “No correction your beautiful, you’re in our group.”

The author is in middle school, isn’t she? It would explain a lot.

I didn’t even get a chance to protest. After an hour of not being to hear the lecture over giggles and red nail polish all over my note book I gave up on listening. 

Can’t the professor shush the girls? Why are they doing their nails in class?

The bell rang through the room. 

The bad writing rang through the fanfic, more like.

This man asked me to stay back I looked over at the group of girls for support but they giggled and said something like, “I guess were not enough for him.” … is all that came to my mind. 

What?

“You’re so pretty. A very gorgeous young woman.” He stammered at me.

For a supposed pedophile, this professor is a) very nervous and b) not a pedophile. She’s a college freshman, which makes her eighteen, not eight.

o.o Wait what?

That more or less sums up my reaction to this entire fanfic.

*end of flashback*

So did anything happen with her and the teacher other than him telling her she was pretty?

Well wasn’t a teacher for long. 

You got him fired, then ran away from college anyway?

I rounded over a hill and saw some-type of portal type thingy. 

Blue or orange?

I am known to touch stuff I ‘m not supposed to touch.

This line becomes more interesting when taken out of context.

So she isn’t surprised to see a portal (type thingy), she just wants to touch it? What?

Old habits die hard.

Once-lers pov

Oh, good, back to a character I actually like. On the other hand: Oh, bad, a character I actually like is going to be written poorly and fall in love with an unlikeable self-insert.

I jumped up in bed when I hear a strange noise outside the house. The Lorax jumps along with me as it continues to sound. 

What kind of noise? Can we have some damn description?

The animals slowly awake with us. I hear a sharp snap and I hug onto the Lorax in fear I know he rolls his eyes but clings onto me as it continues. 

A sharp snap? Is that what exiting a portal is supposed to sound like, or did Diana knock into a Truffula Tree on her way out?

Me and the animals group together, I feel like a wuss so I gather the courage to grab my axe and head out-side the animals in tow. I’m so intimidating duck pj’s and animals. 

But you’re also over six feet tall and carrying an axe.

Oh, and I couldn’t remember what the Once-ler’s PJs looked like, so I checked. They have yellow rabbits on them, not ducks. Gosh.

I’m animal man, I start making a theme song to chill my nerves.

Did he grab his guitar, too? Is he composing this “theme song” aloud or in his head? If it’s the latter, I kind of like the idea that the Once-ler is constantly making up songs about himself in his head. Headcanon (geddit) accepted.

Suddenly I’m knocked on my back by some girl that flies through this portal thing. 

If she just flew out of the portal, what was the sound before? What was the snap? The portal wasn’t described as making any noise on Diana’s end.

She all but tackles me on the ground landing on me from the air I don’t get a good look at her but she’s knocked the air out of me. I wheeze a few times and regain my breath. She’s apparently come to an understanding of her predicament she sits up to straddle me my hands falling on her hips. It’s like something from my perverse fantasies. 

Except she’s wearing clothes, just flew out of a portal, is poorly written, and probably about to faint from shock! Also, absolutely no green! Unless her eyes are green. (Oh, fuck, her eyes are going to be green, aren’t they?)

Also, Once-ler, your fantasies of having a pretty girl on top of you are not “perverse”. There’s nothing depraved about that. It is completely and utterly vanilla.

But its awkward because I’ve never been in this position before. 

Too busy knitting Thneeds, I suppose.

Especially with some woman I don’t even KNOW. Her eyes grow large and she sputters. “Oh my…your …oh my gosh I hit my head hard this time!” I hold back an inappropriate laugh as she has a mini break-down on my lap. 

I think that laugh is appropriate, actually, and the Once-ler doesn’t seem like he’d be considerate enough to stop himself from laughing at someone anyway.

She jumps off me and grasps onto my collar. “Your …you’re the, the… Once-ler.” I arch an eyebrow. How does she know that? 

Well, gee, I dunno, Once-ler, it’s not like you wrote your name on the side of your house or anything.

“I saw, your movie…” were nose to nose her hot breath on me but I still can’t see her well but it’s too late she sputters out. “You’re not supposed to be real…” Then faints in my arms.

Called it.

I jump. “Is she dead?!” I yell out stupidly. 

“Yep! Throw her in the river!”

The Lorax gives me the old you’re an idiot look, I assume that’s a no. 

At least he didn’t give him his dude-ur-so-retarded face.

“Carry her inside.” He commands at me I know he’s only 3 feet tall and I’m “6’5″ but he’s still pretty intimidating. 

If the Lorax is three feet tall and the Once-ler is six and a half feet tall, that makes the Lorax nearly half the height of the Once-ler. That doesn’t seem right.

I pick this mystery girl bridal style and walk inside the animals have took an immediate like to her as I set her on the bed they crowd around. 

Odd that the animals took an immediate liking to her, since I had the opposite response.

I step back and look at her. I can’t help my natural response to stare. Good things she’s asleep. Thin frame, not the skinniest I’ve seen but very small, a little longer than shoulder length semi-dark brown curls. 

If Once-ler thinks she’s thin, this girl must be a walking skeleton. Also, “semi-dark brown”?

So tightly wound like corkscrews and flowing all over her head. I don’t even think you could run a hand through it. 

How attractive.

Her face looked like an angel. 

I dare you to deny that this character is a Mary Sue, author.

She was obviously Spanish. 

Well, obviously.

I don’t know exactly what the world of The Lorax is in relation to ours, but I doubt they even have a Spain.

“She’s gorgeous.” I sputter. The Lorax looks at up at me I feel the blush creep on my cheeks. “You think so?”

“Nah. I was just kidding.”

Diana’s pov

I pop up to a sitting position. Gasping for air, I must’ve passed out. When I fluttered my eyes open I expected to see forest tree’s not be in some fictional characters bed. 

Don’tcha hate it when that happens? (Or love it, as the case may be?)

Being in some guys bed didn’t scare me; I did that once or twice. 

I don’t care, Diana.

But him not supposing to be real scared me. I jumped back when I saw him peering down at me in his duck pajamas. 

You can’t “jump back” when you’re sitting in a bed.

The Lorax pressed a fuzzy hand to my head. “You’re ok. Little girl what’s your name?” 

The Lorax doesn’t talk like that. He’s gruff and bossy. Stop derailing characters to make them love your OC, author.

“I’m not a little girl I’m 23!” I huffed and stuck my nose in the air. 

Well, you’re acting about five. Also, 23? I thought she was a college freshman before she dropped out. That’d make her 19 at the oldest — 20, if she took a gap year.

I looked back at the Lorax but my eyes got stuck on Oncie. 

Don’t call him that. His mom calls him that.

I couldn’t get over his obscure hotness for the whole movie. 

Band name: His Obscure Hotness

By the way, I don’t think you know what “obscure” means, author.

Shiny silky black hair, striking baby blue eyes, the one villain that was super attractive. 

I can think of a few more super attractive villains, thanks. Also, the Once-ler is an antihero, not a villain.

They say he was the villain, but I think he just was arrogant because he wanted to be successful. 

CONGRATULATIONS ON UNDERSTANDING A CHILDREN’S MOVIE

“Are you guys real?” I ask my green eyes still penetrating the Once-lers blue. 

Called it. Also, how Spanish can she be if her eyes are green?

I felt sparks run through me. I mentally hit myself I can’t have these feelings for a fictional character. 

1) Yes you can. 2) You’re in the same world as him now, so I don’t see why crushing on him is bad.

“Yes are you?” the Lorax said dragging my focus away from him. “Yeah I think…” I manage to say. “Well you know us. Who are you?”

“I’m Diana.”

That doesn’t really tell them much. More pressing questions at this point would be where she’s from, how she got there, and why she’s a ridiculous Mary Sue.

Once-ler pov

Green eye’s burned themselves into my memory. She or Diana blushes but I can’t stop staring. 

Bad writing burned itself into my memory long ago. This fic is just opening old wounds.

“How does she know me?” I ask. “I’m right here.” Her voice rings. I think back to her straddling my body so many thoughts bounce off my head. 

That’s not what thoughts are supposed to do, Once-ler.

“I know this sounds crazy but I, saw you in a…a… movie.” 

Fantastic. While you’re at it, why don’t you tell him that his Thneeds will start selling, he’ll chop down all the Truffula Trees making them, and then he’ll spend the next forty or so years of his life living alone in a decaying tower in the middle of a once-paradisiacal place he ruined himself?

Really, though, don’t tell fictional characters things they aren’t supposed to know. It shouldn’t end well.

A movie? I’m no actor. Me and the Lorax look at each other. “I’m not crazy.” Her voice rings out I can hear her sincerity. 

“Well, you sound sincere, lady, but wouldn’t a crazy person think they weren’t crazy anyway? Sorry, you’re nuts. I guess we’ll have to drown you in the river.”

I look out the window, the portal thing was gone. “The portal thingy you came in is gone. A few more things popped out, a horse and a supply bags.” 

Why the delayed reaction? Did the horse only now decide to wander through the portal, or would it have ruined the scene where Diana landed on top of the Once-ler?

She jumps to the window with her tight fitting dress. 

At least she didn’t jump to the window without it. I hate it when I jump right out of my tight-fitting dresses.

“Oh thank you god.” She runs out the door to the horse. “Buddy!” she squeals. “How did you get here?” the Lorax asks the question everyone’s been wondering. “I have no idea. I was going along saw this portal thing and next thing I know I’m on the once-ler here. Where I come from you guys are from a movie.” I blush at the thought then give her a confused look. 

Why is he blushing? Embarrassment? Shyness? (He certainly doesn’t seem like the shy type.) No reason? Because he’s so kawaii desu? I do not understand.

“I’ll just set up my tent and stay here until I figure out what’s next, is that ok?” she timidly asks. The Lorax nods and the animals trail behind her. She looks at them confused. But contently sighs as they help her with the tent.

Why are they helping her with the tent? I get that they’re normally pretty friendly, but what did she do that was so great? God, what a Sue.

“Another reason to love green.”

…no. And if you’re all into “reasons” for loving green, then what are your other reasons, Once-ler?

Yay end of first chapter, please review if you see grammar mistake plz ignore it. 

Sometimes I hear the argument made that “we shouldn’t pick on fanfic writers, they are just having fun and improving their craft”. To which I say: HA! And no. No they aren’t.

At least, not the ones I pick on.

In all seriousness, I do respect fanfiction writers in general — they’re a diverse group, some of them are pretty good (or better than pretty good), and some of them are genuinely trying to improve. But when I read something like this — essentially “don’t offer me any advice for improvement and just ignore the mistakes I make” — there is no way I am gonna pull punches making fun of that person’s writing, because they’re not even trying to get better.

Hope you enjoyed plz review. -cartoonnetworknerdchick

I did not enjoy. You actually scare me a little.

Continue reading here.