Horrible Fanfiction #95: Love Knows No Race, an Invader Zim fanfic
My friend and fellow CB, Hillary, requested this fic on behalf of a friend. She (Hillary’s friend) says “It has SIRs getting pregnant, Dib turning out to be an Irken… Dib and Zim having a baby… and there’s some Red and Purple romance in there, too.” So this should be suitably awful HFF material.
It’s eleven chapters long and is written by the author Carlotta Valjean. She’s written one other story, which is a Harry Potter slash fic (Draco/Harry, or “Drarry” as it’s sometimes known).
Here goes nothin’.
Disclaimers- Sorry, I don’t own IZ.
You’re sorry? Well, I’m glad.
If I did, I’d give you all some… but it’s not possible is it?
There might be some slight lemon hinting in here… so… YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
To be clear, she’s referring to the Citrus Scale for explicit content in fanfiction. On the scale, lemons are fics with explicit sex. “Lemon hinting” would probably be a lime (a fic with some sexual content but nothing explicit). Sadly, this has nothing to do with combustible lemons.
PS- Tanth and a few other chars are mine! AWAY WITH YOU!
No one wants to steal your OCs, author. Calm down.
Dib walked home without Gaz. It was pouring, and Dib was sick of the constant rain. And Zim walked at least a half of a mile behind him. Over the last few years, Zim got a clue from Tak. He had artificial skin type stuff. Dib sighed helplessly and stopped walking. The graduation ball was in a month, and Dib was dateless. As was Zim, Gaz was going with some freaky guy who she had fallen in love with a few weeks ago. It was scary seeing Gaz in love… Dib sighed again and turned to face Zim.
I’m leaving this paragraph intact so you can get some sense of the author’s writing and how oddly jerky it is.
While I’m not the sort of person who generally gets on people’s cases for beginning sentences with “and” and using sentence fragments (lots of good writers do that from time to time, after all — it’s a stylistic choice), the way this author does it makes everything seemed awfully clipped and unnatural. It doesn’t flow at all. On top of that, this entire paragraph is basically dumping grounds for the author’s random exposition. There’s no relation between most of the things talked about here.
Let’s talk a little bit about the story so far, shall we?
Dib is walking home alone. I presume Gaz is off with the “freaky guy” she’s fallen in love with (to be fair, if Gaz fell in love, it would probably be with a “freaky guy”, and seeing her in love would likely be quite scary as well as OOC).
We can already tell from Dib’s angsting about lack of a date for the Graduation Ball that this is going to be a ZaDR. Speaking of which, doesn’t it seem odd that Skool would have a Graduation Ball? And which graduation is this? Eighth grade? Twelfth?
Meanwhile, Zim is following Dib from a distance of about half a mile, which makes me wonder if it can rightly be called following. He also took a leaf out of Tak’s book and now has “artificial skin type stuff”, by which I assume the author means he’s wearing a holographic disguise. Presumably, he is also wearing paste, because it’s pouring rain.
I’d also like to point out that there has so far been no dialogue, yet the author STILL manages to make Dib OOC.
What an excellent start to what I’m sure will be an excellent fanfic.
(Meadow, another of my CB friends, pointed out that the sentence “As was Zim, Gaz was going with some freaky guy who she had fallen in love with a few weeks ago” implies that Zim is also going with some freaky guy; possibly the very same freaky guy.)
“Zim, come here please.” Dib said into the rain.
And Zim heard this and complied from half a mile off.
Zim cautiously stepped up to Dib.
To quote OHP’s Tallest Sarah, “YOU CANNOT CAUTIOUSLY STEP FROM HALF A MILE AWAY.”
“Whaddya want Dib?” Zim asked.
Now Zim’s OOC, too. I hate this story so much already.
Over the last 4 years, Zim had gotten taller and he now had black hair that dangled into his eyes, the rain helped a lot.
Over the last four years? So Dib is fifteen, eh? I guess this would make it eighth grade graduation, though fifteen is a bit old for eighth grade.
Isn’t Zim a little old to be going through puberty? And what’s with the hair?
Lastly, what on Irk is the rain helping with, author?
“I wanted to know if you wanted to come over to my house and do an experiment.
I desperately want to make a dirty joke here, but can’t think of anything good.
I need your help.” Dib asked, fixing Zim with a blank stare.
That’s not asking, author.
“Yeah, sure… Wait…”
“Aren’t we supposed to be archenemies or something?”
Zim reaching out slightly.
I don’t even know what the author was trying to say here.
“It doesn’t involve bologna, does it?” Zim and Dib both laughed.
“Hahahaha! I love it when we almost kill each other!”
“No, though that was funny…” Dib said with a cute 17 year old smile.
He’s had that smile for 17 years.
…hold up a second. The author previously said that Zim had grown in the last four years, implying that this fic is set four years after the events of the show. However, were that the case, Dib would be fifteen, not seventeen.
At any rate, I suppose this means it’s twelfth grade graduation coming up, not eighth, which will make it marginally less disturbing when things get “sexy”.
“Yeah… It was…” Zim said looking up at the sky. “Saturday?” Zim asked snapping his attention back to Dib.
“Yeah. Oh, and FYI… my dad’s a bit odd.” Dib said walking off, leaving him the rain.
Zim’s met Membrane before, author. If you watched the show more closely, you’d know that. You’d also know how OOC you’re writing everyone.
But they both thought the same thing as they walked away from the ice-break point.
After some of the fics I’ve read, this almost seems like an elegant way to show time passing.
Dib was nervous, Gaz was gone and Professor Membrane had to out of town on an emergency.
Looks like the author accidentally that sentence.
He was all alone, soon to be all alone with Zim.
So, in other words, not alone.
He paced the room wondering what would happen, fantasizing as he had the last 2 months.
Was that really intended to mean…
Over the last few months, the Irken had become strangely attractive.
…yes, it was.
Dib couldn’t explain it, but nothing had been going right the last few days.
Does anything in Dib’s life ever go right?
He didn’t know that the alien felt the same way… but he didn’t even want to know how…it… would work.
Well, at least we’ve got one thing in common, OOC!Dib.
He was an alien.
“We’re mortal enemies… but I love him?” Dib asked himself as the doorbell rang.
You’re the horribly OOC canon character the author is using to satisfy her desire for xenophile slash, you tell me!
“Zim…” Dib whispered. He wrung his hands nervously as a knock sounded.
Blah, blah, OOC UST.
“One sec!” Dib called. “I need to check something! Hold on!” Dib scampered downstairs and checked that the rat was still there.
What rat? What?
“I just had to put him around my pheromone experiment. Maybe he won’t react. Maybe he doesn’t like me at all, he just wants to see my house so he can find my weakness!” Dib half yelled.
I suspect that this is the closest this fic’s Dib will ever get to being in character.
“Nah…” He said walking back upstairs.
I don’t know if that was supposed to be funny, but…
…it was not funny.
He opened the door with a smile to see Zim standing there, his black hair hanging in his eyes, much like Tak’s did.
I find the comparison to Tak to be… odd, to say the least. Dib may have some issues.
Dib’s jaw dropped slightly, Zim was dressed very well.
That is to say, not dressed at all.
If you liked guys, that is.
And OOC!Dib sure does!
He was wearing tight black jeans and a black tee-shirt with a red Irken symbol on it.
These outfit descriptions. They’re gonna kill me one day.
No one believed that Zim was still going to take over the world, including Dib.
OOC alert! (For both of them.)
“Hey Zim…” Dib said leaning on his door like a school girl. He suddenly realized what he was doing and pulled upright.
A Skoolgirl, not a schoolgirl, author. This is IZ fanfiction. Keep your terms straight.
“Dib.” He acknowledged him with a simple nod. “So, what’s going on?” Zim asked still standing outside. He was nervous to come in, much less even be there… Zim shook off the feelings as Dib turned, beckoning him in.
Why don’t they just hurry up and have sex already?
Zim sniffed the air, with his non-existent nose.
Yeah. How does that work, exactly?
He smelled human pheromones. He couldn’t tell if they were Dib’s or not.
Well, seeing as no one else is home, my guess would be Dib. Another clue might be that he’s behaving like a lovesick skoolgirl.
“Well, for my experiment, I took a regular sewer rat and see if it could love. It’s mating habits just seem to be for reproduction’s sake…” Dib said walking down into the Lab.
Dib, this is hardly new information in the world of science. Very few species mate for pleasure or form lasting bonds with partners.
Also, since you’ve only got one rat, what are you trying to get it to love? Itself? You? The Weighted Companion Cube?
He continued to explain. “I’ve been using human pheromones to help it in someway, but nothing’s been working.” Dib said as they walked over the rat.
Uh, maybe because you’re using human pheromones and this is a rat.
“Why did you choose human pheromones?” Zim asked Dib.
“Most accessible, anything else and I would need a warrant and proof that I am a college graduate scientist.” Dib said leaning on the table over the ugly brown sewer rat.
Does anyone else think that the author has oddly specific knowledge on what you need to obtain pheromones?
“Can I have a needle?” Zim asked. “And some skin cleaning supplies.” Zim said pressing a button on his belt that Dib missed. His holograph skin shorted out and his green skin seemed to glow in the dim light.
Damn. Now things are gettin’ sexy.
Dib complied, and watched with interest as Zim cleaned his skin with the peroxide. His skin hissed and bubbled a bit.
“It was water based. Sorry…” Dib said with an apologetic tone.
In order for this to be in character, Zim needs to be screaming and writhing in pain on the floor and Dib needs to be laughing and taunting him.
I do not have high hopes for the author rectifying the OOC anytime soon. Or ever, for that matter.
“No problem, you just have to grit your teeth and bear it.” Zim said through clenched teeth.
This is so OOC it’s painful.
He took the needle and stuck it in the crook of his elbow, right above where his glove ended. Dib walked over to Zim and took off the glove for him.
I bet that’s not the only thing of Zim’s that Dib wants to take off.
“Thanks…” Zim said as he drew what looked like a creamy blue substance from his arm.
He quickly removed the needle and gave it to Dib.
I bet that needle isn’t the only thing of Zim’s that Dib wants stuck into him.
“Irken pheromones, try it.
…I don’t think this author understands pheromones.
You can’t draw pheromones from your body the same way you can draw blood (though imagine what perfume would be like if you could). Pheromones are released unconsciously and detected unconsciously by members of the same species. Though I let the thing about Zim smelling Dib’s pheromones slip, in actuality he shouldn’t be able to detect the pheromones of a human unless Irkens have incredibly sensitive senses of smell (which I suppose could be possible). Human pheromones, likewise, should not influence a rat.
Author, do your research next time.
Just inject about a milliliter behind it’s ear…” Zim informed, activating his hologram again.
- Pheromones are not applied by injection. They are, after all, detected by a sense closely related to our sense of smell. Injecting Irken pheromones into a rat likely wouldn’t do a thing, though the alien nature of the pheromones might have strange or harmful effects.
- Why does Zim know human systems of measurement?
- Why did Zim need to deactivate his hologram in order to draw blood? The author does know that holograms are made of light, right?
That will be all for now.
“Thanks Zim.” Dib said injecting the pheromones into the rat. Suddenly, the rat became calm.
And then it died.
“Pick it up.” Zim said leaning on the table, looking at Dib. Dib timidly reached into the cage and petted the rat. The rat leaned into his touched and Dib swore it almost began to purr.
I’m not sure I should be nitpicking here — science has already been torn to shreds — but wouldn’t Zim’s pheromones (if they had any effect on a rat) cause the rat to become friendly towards Zim, not Dib?
“Wow…” Dib said picking up the rat and cuddling it a bit.
“Yeah, Irken pheromones have a strong structure. When we love, we love to the deepest degree.
IRKENS DO NOT LOVE, AUTHOR. Learn your canon. Sheesh.
The Tallest have felt that way forever… at least I think so.
Oh, for god’s sake.
That’s why, when Irkens love… we must never have our heart broken… or painful things happen to the lover…” Zim said going silent.
I’m not sure how to interpret the last bit of this, but here are my ideas:
- The Sweet Sappy Version: Irkens must never have their hearts broken, or have painful things happen to their lovers, because they love TO THE DEEPEST DEGREE.
- The Sweet Sappy Version 2.0: Irkens must never have their hearts broken, for this will cause painful things to happen to their hearts, because they love TO THE DEEPEST DEGREE.
- The Yandere Version: Irkens must never have their hearts broken, or they will inflict painful things upon their lovers, because they love TO THE DEEPEST DEGREE.
Pick your favorite!
“We love, but not as deeply. People murder, people divorce, breakup, cheat. But I believe that love is the basis of life. Without love, one cannot live life to the fullest.” Dib said, putting the rat back in its cage.
Does anyone else get the feeling that Dib invited Zim to look at the pheromone experiment specifically so that he could give this speech?
“I loved once…” Zim said quietly.
I swear I can actually hear canon screaming in pain and horror.
“Really Zim?” Dib asked with a smile tugging at the ends of his mouth.
Ceaseless, horror-filled, agonized screaming.
“Yes…” Zim paused and glanced at Dib nervously. “Hi-his name was Tanth… He left me for a tramp named Feo. Feo was the worst invader ever. He wasn’t fit.” Zim said nervously rubbing his arm.
I really, really hope that these OCs will never be mentioned again.
But I’m not counting on it by any means.
“He? You were in love with a guy?” Dib asked.
Everyone is gay in this fanfic, Dib. Didn’t you get the memo?
Oh my Gosh… I might have a chance! Dib thought with excitement.
He’s still an alien, Dib, in case you’ve forgotten. Realistically speaking, even if Irkens could love and Zim was gay, Dib wouldn’t have much of a chance.
“Yeah, all the females on Irk have…” He cleared his throat. “Very different jobs…” Zim finished looking away from Dib.
I don’t want to know what’s being implied here.
“Ah… Not gonna ask.” Dib said with a laugh.
Me neither, OOC!Dib. Me neither.
“You wanna stick around for a while?” Dib asked Zim, looking at him out of the corner of his eye.
“I’d like that.” Zim said with a smile.
SO MUCH HATE.
I WANT TO GO BACK IN TIME AND STOP THIS FANFIC FROM EVER BEING INVENTED. INSTEAD, THERE WILL BE A FANFIC ABOUT A GIANT SQUID MEETING A GIANT FISH IN A BEAR SUIT, AND IT WILL BE MUCH BETTER.
MWAH! I’ll post another chapter in a few hours… Not like anyone CARES!
You’re right for once, author. No one cares.
Anyway… Some depth will be coming to Red and Purple’s past.
I immediately thought of about three different dirty jokes to make here, but I’m not gonna make any of them.
AND: Purple has a new pet name… Purkle. Says me. XP
That was just all kinds of stupid.