Horrible Fanfiction #74: Teen Fortress 2 (part 2), a Team Fortress 2/Portal fanfic
EDIT: A lot of people have commented on the “ballsack” thing in this chapter. If you haven’t read it, here’s the deal — the way this story is written makes it sound like the Scout puts a koala in his ballsack for safekeeping and said koala later begins eating his testicles.
Now, I read these stories as I write the MSTs for them (with the exception of My Immortal), so I hadn’t read the next chapter, which makes it more clear that that’s not what MarissaTheWriter meant. I could have chosen to assume she meant a sack where the Scout keeps his baseballs, but I went with the more insane explanation for two reasons:
- MarissaTheWriter did a very similar thing in It’s My Life, where Rattman replaced his testicles with two personality cores (Adventure and Space). It was almost, but not quite, as ridiculous as this, and the precedent made my interpretation seem somewhat plausible.
- Rule of Funny. It gave me something to riff on and rage about.
Oh, and if you thought the last chapter was bad… well, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
THANKS FOR REMINDIN ME ABOUT PIRO DONT WORRY PIRO HAS A BIG PART IN THE STORY AN IS LIKE THE SEKOND MOST IMPORTANT DUDE.
Dude? Oh good. I was worried that MarissaTheWriter would make the Pyro into a girl, and, while I’m not strictly opposed to the idea in general, I’m sure it would be simply horrible if she tried.
TEEN FORRTESS 2
CHAAPTER 2: SNIPER’S NEW PET
Oh… oh dear.
This is going to be terrible, isn’t it? Actually, why am I asking you guys? I’ve done over 100 MSTs. They’re all terrible.
The next mornin I waked up, I lived with Sniper (hes my best friend) becos I coldnt go home since I wasa fujitive. Sniper yawned with loudly an “Gday Scot!” He waved an we got red for school.
So I guess they’re the RED team, then?
(Lame joke, I know.)
First twe ate brekfas I had a omlet an muffins an cap’n crunsh (peanut butter flavor), bacon, a bread love, milk, sawsage, an some dog food for my half dog part. I eat a lot of stuff becos I hace a super hi metabolism an never get fatter =D.
You know, I have a pretty high metabolism myself, and even I think this sounds excessive.
Also: Scot/bread OTP.
Affer brekfas we got dress an headed off to school. “BY SCOT AN SNIPER!” Sniper parents say and waved they was old an had brane damage so they didant no I wasnt there sun.
Since I’m not very familiar with TF2 canon, and couldn’t immediately find an answer when I went looking — is this canon? Does the Sniper have old, brain-damaged parents?
Knowing MarissaTheWriter’s general attitude towards canon, I’m guessing that she at least partially screwed things up.
We were walkin to school wen Sniper stoped fast an said “Scot look its a aminal!” I looked an I saw there was a thin like a rakoon but with no black or tale an big eers. It was… a kola!
I can’t say I wasn’t expecting this. The name of the chapter is “Sniper’s New Pet”, after all, and the Sniper is Australian, and MarissaTheWriter just loves stereotypes…
“OMG a kola its soo coot!” Sniepr happied becos kolas are his favorite aminal.
Can you imagine the Sniper saying that?
Neither can I.
And no, “koala” will never be spelled correctly. Nor will “animal”.
He piced up the kola an huged it. “Wate, kolas dont life here.” I thot it was a mistery on how the kola was there. “She most be an eskaped zoo aminal it will be are new pet!” I never had a pet befour becos my mad dogs bros wold eat all them so I was real happy.
I’m sure escaped zoo animals make lovely pets.
“Lets name her Katty Smithereens in onor of my dead girlfriend.” I suggestioned an Sniper nodded with head “Yeah!”.
I know it was mentioned before and I didn’t comment on the name, but “Katty Smithereens”?!
School was common up quick so I put Katty Smithereens in my ballsack but Sniper was angary.
The Scout just put a koala, named after his dead girlfriend, in his ballsack.
If it was any other fanfic writer, I’d have thought that the ballsack thing was an error. But, knowing MarissaTheWriter, it’s exactly what she meant to type.
“I fond her I shold hold her!” He angryied at me but I told him the hard trooth.
YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TROOTH.
“nIper yur bakack is full of gun an homeork Katty wont fit in there my ballsack only has balls an Marrissa so theres more room.”
Wait a sec. He’s keeping his bat in his ballsack, too?
Don’t you think this would be… rather visible through his pants?
I also find it interesting how the Scout’s ballsack supposedly has more room than the Sniper’s backpack.
Sniper said “OK yur right Scot.”
Of course he is. Everything he says just makes so… much… sense.
And we classed at school.
You classed? Classed is a verb now?
Are first class was histry an the teecher Mr. Pursell was tellin us bout how hot dugs was made.
I initially misread this as “hot drugs”.
Gabe Jonson was passin notes wif Carlion an she blushed at the note words so Mr. Pursell exscreamed ‘WHAT IS THE MEENING OF THIS?” He tkaed the note an red it an bushed.
“Dear Caroline, wanna make some lemonade after class? Yours truly, ‘Gabe’ Johnson. PS: did you know my middle name is ‘has-a-large’?”
(I couldn’t resist that one. Credit where credit’s due: Super-Cute on dA came up with the “has-a-large” joke, or at least that’s who I heard it from.)
“OMG!” He went an Gabe the note back so we all were lolling at dum Mr. Pursell. The bell ranged an we headed to sekond period that wus math class wif Mr. Sanpe (lol).
I’m not sure why there’s a “lol” after “Mr. Sanpe”.
I sat next to Heavy an Piro.
“Hey Piro Im Scot.” I said so Piro made sound noses that I coldnt here. “Why cant Piro talk?” I aksed to Heavy who got a sad look.
“Piro has sick lick the qurans from Mass Affect so he cannt leaf his soot or he dies eksept to do the do.” He russianed back to me an I felt reel sorry for Piro.
He can’t leave his suit (except to “do the do”) or he dies. Well, that seems relatively reasonable and close to canon for MarissaTheWriter (though, as mentioned before, I’m kind of a TF2 n00b and don’t always know what’s canon and what isn’t). Hence, I am very suspicious. She’s going to find some way to make this awful, I just know it.
A crunchmunch noses started common from my ballsack an I looked in an a saw… Katty was eatin the balls!
Allow me to reiterate:
KATTY, THE ESCAPED KOALA BEAR NAMED AFTER THE SCOUT’S DEAD GIRLFRIEND, WHO IS CURRENTLY IN THE SCOUT’S BALLSACK FOR SAFEKEEPING, IS EATING THE SCOUT’S TESTICLES AND IT’S MAKING A “CRUNCHMUNCH” NOISE.
Interesting that the Scout apparently didn’t even notice until the noise tipped him off — by the way, that noise doesn’t sound like the noise that should be happening in such a situation (not that I have any experience in the matter). For that matter, koalas have a highly exclusive diet, one that does not include “human testicles”.
I had to stop her but pets wasnt allowed to school so I coldnt take her out. I thot fast an raysed my hand.
“Yes Scot Mr. Sanpe Said at my raysed hand.”
You’re great at quotation marks, author.
The hole room stared at me an I was nervos but I had to get Katty out of my balls.
“I uh need to bathroom im havin a period!”
The class was all lolling at me an Mr. Sanpe was freeked out an thot I was a hemafordins or somethining lick that.
“OK but see the nurse to becos boys dont have perods so you might be a hesmanofdite.”
I can’t decide if “hesmanofdite” is an improvement or not. I’m going to go with “not”.
I gotted my stuff an went to the lockor room at the Jim to put Katty in my locker. When I waked in tho I saw a ton of naked gurls oh no I was in teh rong room!
Well, that’s what you get for walking into a room when the sign on the door says “Lesbian Orgy Center”.
The gurls all started screeming lowd at me an got reddy to beat me up so I ran but first I saw onna the gurls was puttin on a soot it was… PIRO?
MarissaTheWriter never disappoints, does she? And by “never”, I mean “without fail”.
TO BE CONTINUED!
PIRO IS A GILR! OMG THIS STORYS JUS FULL OF TWISTS AN TURNS WHAT ILL SCOT DO NOW?
He’ll go hook up with human!Wheatley. I think it’s the only logical thing to do at this point.