Horrible Fanfiction #73: Teen Fortress 2, a Team Fortress 2/Portal fanfic
The not-so-long-awaited sequel to It’s My Life… well, I suppose it’s really more of a prequel… anyway, the important thing is that it’s awful and I’m going to make fun of it now.
If you haven’t read the first story by MarissaTheWriter, do so here.
I should let you guys know beforehand that I’m kind of a TF2 newbie, so if I let any inconsistencies with canon slip, that’s why. Also, this story may well contain some Portal 2 spoilers.
(Edit: just realized that, counting the guest MSTs and the My Immortal MSTs, this is MST #100. Awesome.)
K GUYS IM HAVIN TORBLE THINKIN UP WHAT THE STORY PLOT FOR TEEN FORTES 2 WILL BEEN BUT HEERS THE PROLOG FOR NOW.
Poor MarissaTheWriter. It’s so hard to think up stories when your reviewers are all falmer trollz, and you’re a moron.
TEEN FORTRESS 2
CHAPTER 1: MEET THE SCOT
Yes, she means the Scout. No, she’s not ever going to spell his name correctly.
Hi my nam is Scot an I live in Florda wif my mom an dad an my ate mad dog brothors.
Sentence number 1 and we’ve already stopped making sense.
The Scout is from Boston. I’d understand if she thought he was from the Bronx, because he does have a Bronx accent, but Florida?
Also, I think he had seven siblings in canon, not eight, and they certainly weren’t mad dogs.
They are mad gos becos my dad is a dog an my mom is humon so im half so I can ran reely fast.
MarissaTheWriter, you fail biology so hard that we need to invent a new word for “fail” in order to properly convey how stupid this is.
My bros was always beetin me up an hurtin me an stuff. “Hey Scot yuo must do are homeork an yurs but well eat yurs so you get a bad grad LOL!” My bros sayd an started to pump at me.
Dogs eating homework. Hilarious.
“U GUYS ARE JUST DERKS!1!” I runned to my room an cocked the door an cried.
…I don’t even know what to say to this one. “Derks”? He “cocked” the door?
The one thing I can say is that the Scout is already out of character and sounds exactly like Marissa from the last fic.
Thins wasnt good for me an I was serios derpessed an I even thot bout maybe becomin a goth emo.
Go ask GLaDOS if you can borrow her Avril Lavigne CDs, then.
No thing was happy heer, an note ven my girlfrend cold fix it. My girlfrind wsa named Katty Smithereens (U NO HOO U ARE KATTY!) but my bros killd her an defeced her corpse.
This sounds pretty much like what happened to Raven’s insert Willow in My Immortal. I wonder if MarissaTheWriter is mad at this “Katty” person?
Also, “defeced” her corpse?!
(They didant get in troble becos there dogs an dogs cant get arrested).
No, but they can get euthanized.
CASH BOOM BANG said the door my bros was breakin it down!
Even the doors get… interesting dialogue in this story.
“Yur gonna die now b******!” Wulf said he was my oldest brother an the most meen.
So, exactly like Atlas or P-body from the last fic.
I gotted out my baseball bat that I niknamed Marrissa for some reson I didnt rember.
HMM, I WONDER WHY.
Holdin it tite I pulled op the door an hitted Wulf on the dum head an he died. “OMFG!” My bros OMFGed at the site of the kill. They ranned off an did poops from scarred but this was not god. I WAS A murder now! I wold have to go on the run.
I don’t even know what to say to this, that’s how dumb it is.
Wile my bros was still cryin at Wulfs kill I put my thighs into my handbag (becos its florda an everyone has a handbag there lol) an roundhose kicked the door down.
It’s hard to roundhouse-kick something when your thighs are in a handbag, so congratulations, “Scot”.
“OMG HE IS ESKAPIN KILL THE MUDRE!1!1″ This was my coo so I runned more faster than ever befour but a trane came. “GET HIIM!” Time was runnin out so I had to do fast an jumped over the trane an landed an ranned so more.
If the Scout doesn’t get MVP for this, there’s no justice. Jumping over a train with your thighs in a handbag takes skill.
It was lick three weeks I ran from them an then I saw a place that was… PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL!
I still don’t know if this is supposed to be some student wing of Aperture (MarissaTheWriter keeps calling Aperture “Portal Labs”, after all), or if it’s high school AU, but it doesn’t make sense either way so I suppose it doesn’t matter.
Sum kids was talkin an saw me an one came over with a sexay austrial aksent.
My first thought was “Oh, good, she got the Sniper’s accent right this time”, and then I realized that she typed “austrial”, and I almost broke my nose facepalming.
“Gdday you most be the new xchange student. You can call me Snipper becos I can shoot reel good lol.” I nodded kinna confused at whats goin on an Sniper taked me to the other guys.
You can call him Snipper because he can shoot real good. Wouldn’t the name “Snipper” be more suited to someone who’s handy with a pair of scissors?
“This is the new studant hes new.”
The new student is new? No points for guessing that all these guys passed their Redundancy classes of redundancy. They probably got A’s.
The guys was a fat guy, a doktor guy, a soot man, a solder, a guy wif a mask like batman, an blak guy with guns an boms.
“Fat guy” = the Heavy, though he isn’t fat.
“Doktor guy” = the Medic.
“Soot man” = well, assuming she means “short”, then probably the Engineer.
“A soldier” = the Soldier, of course.
“Guy wif a mask like batman” = the Spy, though his mask isn’t much like Batman’s.
“Blak guy with guns and boms” = the Demoman.
And, of course, the Sniper is the one talking and the Scout is the main character.
But where’s the Pyro?
“Were all best frends an have cool niknames they are Heevy, Ingineer, Demoan, Medik, Spy, Solder an im Sniper.”
Yep, no Pyro. Weird…
A mussely guy with a hot gurl waved by at us. “Those are are friends Gabe Jonson an his girlfriend Caroloin.”
See? Didn’t I tell you this was a Portal crossover?
“Nise to meet you all I am Scot.” But they mistaked me for saying Scout so that was my new nikname!
IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
Then a guy.
THE PLOT THICKENS
“Bloody hell hoos the soddin new wanker?”
No human Wheatley please aaaahhhh
He britished at me he was tall with blond hare an gasses an like nerd.
Wheatley, the dumbest nerd ever.
I’m never going to stop loving the word “britished”.
“I am the Scot.” I happied to him with my new nikname.
Not to mention “happied”.
That’s not your new nickname, idiot. That’s your name.
“Well my names… WHEATLY!’1’1″!”
DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUN
TO BE CONTINUED!
OMG WHEETLY HOWS IT HAPPENED? FIN OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF TEEN FORTOISE 2!
The usual explanation for human!Wheatley (if one is provided) is that all the personality cores are based on human personalities in much the same way GLaDOS’s personality was (initially, at least) based on Caroline’s. This being a fic by MarissaTheWriter, however, I’m expecting much more insane explanations.