Horrible Fanfiction #56: It’s My Life, a Portal fanfic
I realize it’s been a long time since I did a proper HFF post. Half-Irkens has ceased to be updated; if it ever is, I’ll MST it, but until then we’re starting something new.
I have something very special for you guys today: this absolutely terrible Portal thing. Starring an Mary Sue author-insert OC, co-starring horrible spelling and grammatical errors, and featuring very OOC versions of all the canon characters.
None of that is unusual for a fanfic on this blog, but what is unusual is that this is a trollfic. This is my first time MSTing a trollfic (or second, if you’re of the opinion that My Immortal is a trollfic), and I don’t plan to do other trollfics, but I figure that when something gains a few hundred reviews on fanfiction.net someone has to make fun of it.
Be warned that there are Portal 2 spoilers in this.
Anyway. Here goes.
AN: Hi guyz this is my first story its what I think happens iin Portla 3!
MarissaTheWriter, our author (who I’m going to assume is female), has only ever written one story. Thank god. Let’s hope she never writes another.
Portla 3? I don’t believe I am familiar with the Portla series. Enlighten me.
ITS MY LIFE
Really? I thought it was a fanfic. Silly me.
CHAPTER 1 RETURN TO PORTAL AN A SUPER HUGE SUPRISE!
With real confetti this time?
Hi my name ish Marissa Roberts and I was doing tests with that other gurl Chell but she escaped.
Marissa Roberts. Who was doing tests with Chell. Funny, I’d completely forgotten she existed. Oh, wait…
Glados had captured me in the science lab places and made me do bad tests.
That is tremendously descriptive writing.
There was no thing fun bout thetests an Glaods would never let me sleep or eat or bathroom or any thing.
So she died in a pool of her own excrement. The end.
“FOR THE NEXT TEST YUO WILL WORK WITH ROBOTS!” Glados screemed to me.
Screamed? Excuse me? That’s very undignified behavior for GLaDOS.
Some robots came out of weird tubes and looked at me and I looked at them. The robos were one a blue ball an the other was a orange line thing.
Atlas and P-body. Right. Well, that’s terrible description. I award you no points.
“THERE NAMES ARE ALTAS AN P-BOY NOW LEAF ME ALONE IM SAD.”
How convincingly like GLaDOS this is.
Actually, no, let me examine all the ways in which this dialogue sucks:
- Spelling and grammatical errors. The sentence should read “Their names are Atlas and P-body; now leave me alone, I’m sad.”
- GLaDOS never refers to the co-op bots as Atlas and P-body. She calls them Blue and Orange. She never states that they are named Blue and Orange, however, so even if you change Atlas and P-body to Blue and Orange this still doesn’t make sense.
- GLaDOS never comes out and just states what she’s feeling. If she did, you’d know she was lying about it. If she’s mad, she’ll act passive-aggressive. If she’s happy, she’ll try to hide it. If she’s fond of someone, she’ll sing about how she wants to get rid of them. Etc.
- No sarcasm? No petty insults? No offhand remarks referencing something sociopathic she did in the past?
Then Glados started to listen to some Avril Lavinge music and cry. Ever sinse she realized she was a humon before she became a goth emo and was always gettin on my nerves.
Yeah, this is basically the Portal version of My Immortal. (My Im-portal?) I’m sorry, guys.
So now GLaDOS listens to Avril Lavigne and is a “goth emo”? Are those two things connected? What’s gothic about Avril Lavigne?
Also, she’s a computer. How can she cry?
“Hi b**** we are here to test you.” Atlas shrugged (GET IT IT’S A MOVIE!).
The co-op bots can’t talk.
Censorship wasn’t me, it’s the author.
I was shocked at the bad words and glared to Altas. P-Bod was just starin’ at my bobs so I kicked him his robot place.
P-body is probably female. Not that it really matters, but she does have a higher-pitched voice and appears to be based on a turret.
Also, “his robot place”?
That made him angry so he shot a portal at me and made me fall into it over and over and P-Boy and Altas were lolling at me.
Two portals. You need two portals for that.
And you can just step out of it, too.
Altas took out some drugs and he an P-Boy STARTED TO SMOKE them.
How can they smoke drugs? They’re robots! They don’t even have mouths! Their eyes are in the middle of their torsos!
I was fedup with all of portal labs and jumped from teh portals.
Portal Labs. Really?
We’re less than a chapter in and already I want to murder this story.
I ladled onto my lung fall boots and glared mean at Altas and P-Boy.
Lung Fall Boots! Boots for your… lungs! So they don’t fall!
I was soooooooo mad at those jerks for portalling me an calling me a b**** (AN not even gonna say that word LOL) so I portaled them too and I saw how they like it they didant.
You can’t “portal” both of them at once, you only have two portals!
Altas angered at me an P-Boy said “You broked are drugs now you will pay!”
The drugs… broke?
Ann he punched me right in the face! I started cryin from the pain and those jerks just lolled at me an tried to beat me up some more with there portal gunz.
That’s inefficient. Just make her look directly at the operational end of the device.
Sereal ours later I was cryin in a pool of blood while THOSE JERK ROBTS did more drugs and drank beer an past out.
Please explain to me how on earth Atlas and P-body could possibly drink beer.
All I wanted was my companion coob to comfort me but Glados was makin it do other tests an we didn’t see eachother in moths.
Months? She’s been testing for months? How is she not dead — oh, wait, that says “moths”. Never mind.
Also, why and how is Companion Cube doing tests on its own? Seems like being an inanimate object would be a bit of a setback there. I like to think that GLaDOS is just making it sit around in a ridiculously easy testchamber so she can taunt it about what a failure it is for not having completed it. Maybe call it fat a few times.
But most off all I wanted Wheetly. He was the only nice robot I ever met an he had a super sexay British aksent, but Glados body turned him evil an he got shot in space by Chell.
Oh no. We have a Wheatley fangirl in our midst.
(Yeah, I know that’s completely hypocritical of me, since I am such a GLaDOS fanboy. Nonetheless, you can already tell there’s going to be shipping here, can’t you?)
I kind of hate every pairing involving Wheatley. Except Wheatley/testing, that’s canon.
I rubbed my stomach and rembered my secret. Noone knows this, but Wheetly an I shared one secret night together an now I could tell I was pregnant with his robot ball/human baby.
Well, I wasn’t anticipating that.
I’m going to be mature and not make a Conversion Gel joke.
There was a window above me an I looked out an saw the moon where Wheetly was. I missed him so much like a guy I missed a bunch.
Aperture is underground, how the hell did she manage to see the moon? Why is there a window in the testchamber?
Speaking of which, why isn’t GLaDOS antagonizing them? Why is she just letting them… not solve the test? What?
Tears droped down my face so Altas an P=boy started lolling at me again an calling me names like “Fat Uguly B****!” I stared rite at their lauffin’ feces and said my first words!
Their lauffin’ feces. Got it.
“OMFG YOU GUYZ ARE SOOOOOOO RUDE I HATE YOU!”
Those are terrible first words. I’m going to have to penalize you by fifty science collaboration points.
An I ranned off holdin my portol gun in one hand an holding nothing in my other hand because it was empty. My hare was streaming behind me an all the robots were saying how pretty an hot I was so I yelled at them too an said a lot of cusses so they stopped yellin at me.
They were calling her fat and ugly a minute ago…
“Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn’t space lost!” I cried an hugged the place were the baby was going to be was.
Let me answer that question with a question: WHO WANTS TO MAKE $60?
There was a strange noise coming from the necks room and I looked in a saw…. Glados was cutting herself!
What? GLaDOS’s chamber is right next to the testchamber? How can Marissa even look into it, since she didn’t solve the test?
And how on earth is GLaDOS cutting herself?
“CHELL IM SOOOOOO SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YOR SISTER’S NAME IS REALLY MARISSA ROBERTS AN SHE HAVE SPESHUL POWERS AN CAN SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE BELEEVES!”
Dear lord, what on earth is going on here?
Why is GLaDOS talking to Chell? Chell isn’t even there!
Also, this is the worst dialogue for GLaDOS I have ever read. This is some of the worst dialogue for anyone that I have ever read.
Then robot blood started goin everwhere and I realized that….. Glados had sewisided!111!1!
I can’t decide if I should hate that GLaDOS just got killed off or be grateful that she’s not going to be mangled by this author’s horrible writing anymore.
THAT WAS A HOLE LOT OF TWISTS, IF I GET SOME GOOD REVIEWS ILL MAKE MORE CHAPTERS MAYBE WHEETLY WILL COME BACK AN IS GLADOS REALLY SEWISEDED? FIND OUT NECKS TIME!
She made more chapters. I dunno about good reviews, though. Hopefully, if she got any, they were dripping with sarcasm. Sarcasm is delicious.