Horrible Fanfiction #1: What Tak Wants, an Invader Zim fanfic
No, I didn’t write it, okay?
So far as I know, this isn’t a trollfic. It’s just very, very bad. And I’m going to make fun of it now.
This fic was written by someone called “vesago”.
fast-forward Dib’s in his mid-twentes about fifteen years after the most horible x-mas ever
To be precise, Dib is twenty-six.
We can already tell we’ve got a spelling champ on our hands.
Dib lay on the bed and looked at the photo album he had. Only (two years) ago he had broken up with Tak. At the time it was a mutual thing(no it wasn’t she dumped him). Dib open his photo album and looked at the pictures. ” This can’t be the end! She’s still gotta love me?” Dib sobbed. Each picture was a stab in the heart. Tak was the first girl to care about him. She thought he was smart. She was the girl he loved, even if she was Irken. The first picture he saw was of them at a day at the fair. Tak was holding a miniature dog.
Yes, it’s going to be one of THOSE fanfics.
First of all, why is “two years” in parenthesis?
Second, Tak isn’t the first girl to care about Dib. Gretchen had a crush on him in the actual show.
Third, consider this: Dib is likely tall now that he’s grown up. Tak is the same height she was when Dib was eleven.
Fourth, Dib has terrible taste in girls. Not only is this one a member of an asexual alien race, she also tried to kill him and destroy his planet. And she’s insane.
“Sorry I couldn’t win you a bigger prize.” Dib said as he handed the dog to Tak.
And, without warning, a flashback occurs!
“That’s okay you won it for me. It was won with love. Love from you. That’s all that matters.”she said Tak then walked back to the carnaval game took the rifle and got the big prize in one shot of the .22 as she kissed Dib on the cheek. The memory tore at Dib’s heart like it was a piece of tissue paper.
Now imagine Tak saying that. Imagine how that would sound in her voice. Let me know when you stop laughing.
Dib’s heart is a piece of tissue paper? Flimsy? Vaguely translucent? Used to stuff in gift bags to conceal presents?
Dib could hardly bear to look at Tak anymore. He loved her, but she didn’t love him. Pain became his only friend. Tak was all his in his dreams and memories, but that was just that, a memory.
Well, seeing as Dib didn’t have any friends before, having pain as a friend would seem to be an improvement.
Dib took his pillow and felt the pillowcase. It was damp from the tears he had cried. Never in his life had he felt this kind of pain before. This was different from the pain of disbelief or failure or rejection. He had known love then lost it. When Tak came back it seemed as if a long lost love had returned to him, it was the greatest day of his life, unfortunately it wasn’t to last.
“Tak! I love you, you psychopathic alien who almost destroyed me and my planet! Let’s play carnival games and say incredibly cheesy, out-of-character things to each other!”
Tak and Dib had the best time of his life. Anytime Dib was seen then he had a smile on his face. Now, he was depressed. He and Tak broke up and it crushed him.
So, Dib’s back to normal!
Hey, Dib, maybe you’d feel better if you went and bothered Zim or something. Actually, that’s a fine idea. Where the hell is Zim? I’m getting sick of Dib crying into his pillow.
“Dib, I’m so sorry, but he have to stop seeing each other.” Tak said with a hint of a tear in her eyes.
Another random flashback!
I tried to come up with something funny to say here, but I’m too busy trying to remember if Irkens can cry or not.
“No Tak!” Dib cried as he hugged her.
“Hey, I heard there’s a carnival we can go to…”
“Dib, I really think we should break up.” Tak said as she pulled Dib off him.
Pulled Dib off who?
“Well why?” Dib said. He wasn’t about to let the best thing that happened to him go. Tak was all he wanted and more.
She’s small, green, sociopathic, and has no genitals! What’s not to love?
“I don’t know why, but I think we should break up.” Tak sighed.
“Look, maybe it’s because I decided that Zim was right about humans being filthy. You never once took a shower! You were too busy going to carnivals!”
“So this is it huh?” Dib said angrily, but he started to cry.
Into his pillow?
“Well we can still be friends.” Tak said as she hugged Dib.
NO I DUN WANNA BE FRIENDS I TOOK YOU TO CARNIVALS AND THIS IS WHAT I GET
Tak was now feeling regret too. How could I have thought breaking up with Dib was right? She thought as she looked at her current boyfriend Zim. She didn’t know what she saw in him at first, or what she was thinking by wanting to date Zim but she did. He was loud and angry when they met. Zim who didn’t know how to treat a girl, became what many would call the perfect man. Dib knew how to treat me. He did whatever I told him whenever I told him to do it, how I liked to be treated. Zim just wasn’t that into being Tak’s slave, he saw her as amazing but he could keep her in check. Also when Dib saw Tak with him it caused Zim to yell, “Victory for Zim!” like this was some sort of battle.
Tak doesn’t know what she sees in Zim? Well, for starters, he’s a member of her species.
And her archenemy. But, nonetheless.
He was loud and angry when they met? Maybe because Zim is always loud and angry?
Zim yelling “Victory for Zim!” is actually in character, so I have hopes for this story yet. I suspect that they will be dashed soon, however.
One day Dib was walking down the street looking at the pier where Dib broke up with Tak. He could look on it and just see the scene in his mind. It tore him up inside even more. It was the last time he held Tak’s hand in his, last time her hair (even if it was her disguise’s) blew into his face. The last time for love. It was this time Zim walked by alone and stood next to Dib watched the water.
Tak’s disguise appears to be some sort of hologram, so how can holographic hair fly into your face? Especially when the person to whom the “hair” belongs is much shorter than you are?
Who watched the water, Dib or Zim?
“Hey, Dib” Zim said not in his taunting matter but as if he was try to say no hard feelings.
Zim is capable of behaving in a non-taunting manner towards Dib? This story would be more plausible if it was a ZaDR.
“Yeah yeah whatever.” Dib sobbed.
*sniff* “I wish I had my pillow…”
“I hope you understand I didn’t just swoop in and start dating Tak out of spite?” Zim asked nonchalantly.
I have lost all hope for this story.
“If it was that wasn’t nice. and don’t you think dating Gaz would be enough girls I care about- ” Dib said never turning his head.
Look, Dib, I’d think that by now you’d have learned not to care about Gaz.
“DON’T BRING HER INTO THIS,” Zim said grabing Dib’s arm. as Zim begain to breath calmer”What happened to Gaz was not my falt. I only came her hoping we could dig a hole for the ax(bury the hachet) I’m going home if you want to talk you know were Tak and Zim live.”
So, something happened to Gaz, and apparently as a side effect of this Zim now talks in an odd code involving metaphors no one fully understands.
As Zim just came walkingin though the door of his home Tak was thinking to herself does, he treat me right. am I just his girl…
I hope she didn’t think it with that comma placement, because even Irkens should have better knowledge of grammar than this fanfic writer.
“His Girl?” Tak screemed getting up. ” Is that’s all I am to you, a piece of property?”
Has it occurred to you that your behavior might have something to do with it, Tak? You’re not exactly big on charm and femininity. Admittedly, that’s perfectly fine and also irrelevant because IRKENS ARE COMPLETELY ASEXUAL.
“No… what are we doing” Zim asked almost scared.
“We’re in a bad fanfic, Zim! Let’s exploit this by acting as out of character as we can and hooking up with humans!”
“Zim that is not cool.” Tak said stoping for a few secounds while Zim still didn’t understand but began to relax even if Tak was dangerous and screeming Zim wasn’t afaid of her anymore
Dangerous, screaming, and criminally insane — but hey, so is Zim, so maybe he shouldn’t be scared.
“Zim, why are you always like that?” Tak demanded
Like what? Confused as to why his girlfriend suddenly starts screaming at him when he walks in the door?
“It’s just the way I am baby. and you know you love that.” Zim laughed he lopped on the couch and opened a soda.
lop 1 |läp|
verb ( lops, lopping , lopped ) [ with obj. ]
cut off (a branch, limb, or other protrusion) from the main body of a tree: they lopped off more branches to save the tree.
• informal: remove (something regarded as unnecessary or burdensome): it lops an hour off commuting time.
• remove branches from (a tree).
I don’t think you can lop on a couch. Not even if you’re Irken.
Please imagine, in case you weren’t already, how Zim’s lines in this fic would sound when read by Richard Horvitz.
“Yeah okay. But do you love me?” Tak asked.
“Heh? ZIM LOVES NO ONE, YOU FILTHY PIG-BEAST!”
“Why are you asking that?” Zim asked curiously.
Not exactly what I thought Zim would say.
“So that’s it. I’m nothing to you?” Tak asked.
Right, because that’s what Zim said and all.
“you know I love you Ga-I mean Tak!” Zim said
It is worth mentioning that this story is slowly destroying my will to live. You lot should be grateful you’re getting a blog post out of it.
“You almost called me Gaz! Sorry if I’m not her!” Tak yelled walking to the kitchen with her disguise off.
Speaking of Gaz, I wish she’d show up at this fanfic writer’s house and kick some sense into them.
“Want some waffles?” GIR asked.
NO I JUST WANT THE DIB
“NO GIR!” Tak said as she sat at the table with a poop cola thinking.
Poop Cola burns Irken skin, as shown in the episode “Tak: The Hideous New Girl”. I can’t imagine what it would be like drinking it. Like drinking acid, I suppose. Really, it’s as if this writer (if I may use the term so loosely) never watched the show at all…
“Where else could you not were your disguise?” Zim came in mad and demanded of Tak.
Probably anywhere. I doubt anyone would notice.
“AT DIB’S!” Tak yelled back.
Yeah… I doubt Dib wants to see a member of the species whom he believes will destroy his planet one day. But that’s just me.
“Until the Swollen Eyeball called or Membrane entered. You weren’t safe. that why I got you to move in I never forced you to do somthing you didn’t want to do” Zim resonded coldy”the only reason you’ld want to back to Dib is because you want to be treated like a tallest, and we both know I won’t be you’re slave. All you want is someone to feed your narssism do you remember what i was like with a massive ego.”
Are we supposed to believe that Zim’s somehow lost his massive ego? Because that is the most implausible thing in this story so far.
“We were talking of going far way…” She sighed.
“…But then we had an argument about whether you needed to use “away” or “way” in that sentence, and he won, and I got mad and told him that he’d never take me to a carnival ever again, and then he cried into his pillow for six days.”
“For humans far away is Los Angles to New York.” Zim said rolling his eyes.
Los Angles: City of Geometry.
Is Zim wearing his disguise? Because otherwise I don’t see how he can roll his eyes.
“That’s not what Dib meant!” Tak yelled. “He means maybe another planet or something like that! You don’t understand Dib at all!”
Neither does this fanfic writer.
“Why should I?” Zim asked.
I dunno, Zim, it might come in handy some time, like next time you decide to TAKE OVER THE STINKING EARTH ALREADY
“Yeah why should you?” Tak sobbed as she left the house. On the way out to Dib’s new house. It was dark and she snuck into his room as she did before. “Dib… Dib…DIB!” She yelled.
DIB! I LIKE YOUR NAME! DIB!
A cookie to whoever gets that reference.
“What?” Dib asked.
“Can you just leave? I’ve got some pillow-crying to do.”
“I left Zim.” Tak whispered. “I want to be back with you.”
“Will you let me take you to carnivals?”
“So do I!” Dib said hugging her then he kissed her.”your more beatliful then I remember.”
Also, greener and more alien.
Tak kissed Dib back but was more intrested in him telling her more nice things “This is all I want.” Then Tak begain to remember what Zim was saying
I don’t want to remember what Zim was saying in this story. I want to scrub it from my brain. GIR! THE CLEANSING CHALK!
the only reason you’ld want to back to Dib is because you want to be treated like a tallest, All you want is someone to feed your narssism “…maybe he’s right”
Dun dun dun duuuuuun!
A final note from the author:
yeah I had to make Tak a bitch as I could tell from her episode she’s smart but a bitch
You didn’t make her a bitch, you made her a whiny narcissistic crybaby. As punishment, you are hereby sentenced to watch “Tak: The Hideous New Girl” on repeat until your eyeballs melt.
That’s your fanfic for the day. I’ll post another one sometime. Skepkitty out.